zombie..

lately, i've been feeling like a walking and talking zombie most of the time.. is it possible that i've sort of become a workaholic? i go to work early, i come home late, and i think about work even when i'm not at work.

this. is. not. good.

be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it all, and some you don't want..

true enough. the thing is, i'm not quite the touchy feely kind of girl.. i don't deal with these things like normal girls do.. in fact, if i can simply run away and hide from them i would do that. alas, growing up means dealing with these things the right way.. sometimes i find myself straying away from my path, and forgetting the principle that i used to hold on to..

it's not pride. it's self-respect.

so i think i'm sticking to the cold-hearted version of macho me.. it works, you know..

after you clear your eyes..

you'll see the light, somewhere in the darkness..

since i made that decision, i feel a lot better.. no more confusion, expectation and more importantly, no frustration.. this is so much easier, and surprisingly, it makes me happier, not more depressed.. yeay me! :) sometimes i wonder, why did they said i was difficult, and cold? i've always thought i'm a warm and simple person.. oh well. we can never satisfy everyone, so why even bother trying..

so i finally had the time to meet fatin's tiny grumbler.. and she (hopefully it's a she.. :p) kicked me! ahaha notty notty little baby.. aunty mijah is gonna be the one who's gonna spoil you rotten tau, so you better treat me well.. heeee.

my work schedule for this week is so... relaxing.. hahaha~ i like!

i'm off to tiaq's wedding in a little while.. i'm not even sure of the direction to go to her house.. bet we're gonna get lost pretty badly.. huuu. wish i could just borrow golf's navigator for a little while.. :p

messy.

i spent most of my younger days doing something i thought was right at that moment.. as time goes on, and as i grow older, i finally realized it was a mistake i made because i was so young, so hopeful, so full of optimism. it took me long enough to realize that things have changed, that i have changed. in the spirit of doing the right thing, i decided to leave everything behind. it wasn't easy to stop doing the only thing you knew how to do, but i survived the transition phase. i emerged as the new old me. the one that i have long forgotten about when i lost track, because i've been stirred towards a different direction than the one i initially chose. of course, i didn't even realize it back then. after all these times, i learned a lot, i have some regret, but i don't think i'm sorry for everything that happened.

being free gave me a lot of time to ponder about things.. it took me long enough to finally be ready to try again.. unfortunately, all that stepped into my life turned out to be not so helpful, useless and disappointing.. naturally, all these left me feeling more afraid than ever.. i build up walls around me to protect myself.. i stayed close enough to have fun, but far away enough so that i won't get hurt.. ever again. but then, what's life without a little risk ey?

i spoil things by over thinking.. i always do. then i get all confused by things that aren't even confusing.. i told myself to just live the moment, go with the flow.. but then i would do stupid things and feel bad about it.. it's like i have a stupid clone who keep on messing up with my mind.. and also with my life.. i should stay on the ground, i must. stop over thinking, stop worrying. whatever will be will be.. maybe all these are triggered by the fear that i can feel is creeping in.. why do i do this? why am i such a mess?

it's raining, and i can see the rainbow is still here.. the view is still breathtaking.. and that makes me smile.. :)

black and white inside..

i'm a very simple person. with enough food, sleep and my usual dose of laughter, i can survive any day (hopefully) .. i think i've even build up a pretty good tolerance to the stress level of work and a special 'stone-face' mask to wear to work.. after a certain number of times (read: too many times laa) being tortured for other people's mistakes or over something so trivial, i've given up taking everything too personally.. i mean, yes, i need to learn from mistakes. but i need not be so stressed out about work..

since my current ward is busy everyday, my meal time has been cut down to once a day. but you can bet i eat 3 meals worth of food during that precious meal time..but i'm not complaining. with good food and a good company, i'm more than satisfied.. ;) and with the crazy not-so-single ladies nearby, it's easier to kidnap them.. muahaha~~

i am happy. i like where i'm standing now. i'm enjoying the view, the journey and also the theme song. still, i am afraid. i won't let go of everything i've held onto. not yet, and may be not ever. but i'm afraid of losing myself in this cloud.. and that tiny bit of ray may be gone in a few more days.. i wonder if the rainbow is staying, or will it be gone with the rain.

cruising down the freeway..

it finally ended. tagging.

and i finally get a day off on a wednesday. which is absolutely wonderful! though i didnt really spend it the way i intend to.. i planned to sleep all day long! but i failed. sherlock holmes did not fail me though, at all.

surgery is.. fun! (read it the way sherly's brother taught mrs watson to read the telegram)

if you know me at all, i'm not a very patient person.. and i usually need some time to warm up to new people.. unless that person is very warm and bubbly, there's a high possibility that that person will never see the bubbly side of me.. i talk a lot, i make stupid jokes all the time, though most of them aren't even funny.. sometimes what i said make no sense, at all.. i eat a lot, i sleep a lot. i'm lazy. i don't know how to cook. i'm not ashamed to say that about myself. i'm not the nicest girl in town, i'm not a plain jane, and i'm also not cruella de vil. i'm just a simple person. really. and if you never get to see the fun side of me, i think it's not my fault entirely.

i may not have that many friends, because of my own limitation. but i have awesome friends. and that's more than enough for me.

i'm comfortable the way i am now. no pressure. no expectation. well, maybe there's a tiny bit of hope. i'm still a girl, aren't i? :p

the end.

of 2011..
all in all, i'd say i had a pretty good run this year.. i'm looking forward for a wonderful year ahead.. but i'm not that optimistic at the moment..

first week in surgery... well, in a nutshell, its not very pretty.. good thing is, i made a new friend! or perhaps i could say... i now have, like, a fairy godfather.. sent to me by my very own guardian angel.. hahaha XP

new year resolution? i had a few in mind, but i'm not gonna jot it down here.. in case i re-read my post and realized i haven't get it done later, then i'm gonna feel like crap. hahahaha

looks can really be deceiving, is it not? i know, first impression is important. but just because you like the look, doesn't mean you're gonna like the content.. why won't some people understand this? it's useless to talk to people who wouldn't even listen. i guess i still speak alien language.

so i finally made it to ghaus & hana's reception.. yeay! my baby sister hana look sooo pretty! and they both looked like kanak-kanak rebina yang sangat riang! pardon my lame language.. i arrived there late, so i missed seeing cimee acted like the best man cum the maid of honour.. rugi gile! but he's simply the best for the job.. :P

kanak-kanak riang! :D

as usual, i felt sad.. i feel like i'm losing her.. but i know, he's the right one for her.. and he's gonna make her so much happier than she already is.. and i'm gonna have hindustani anak angkat later! weeee~ :D

i think... naaahhh, maybe not... dare i even think about it? urgh. i think i'm losing it. oh no!

p/s: happy new year everyone! may the new year bring us more sunshine than ever! :D

idle.

on idle mode currently.. my last day of lazying around the house.. tomorrow will see the light of me entering surgical posting.. everybody keep telling me that it's hell. but fatin told me that i'll survive as well as she did.. and ainal keep telling me not to let myself be bullied.. oh well, i'm always too nice for my sake.. :p

last weekend yet another one of my bestest bestfriend got married.. yippee yeay yeay to the pretty bride lat! :D i'm so happy for them.. and i've never seen her happier than she was on that fine day.. as usual, i became a little bit sad watching my friend become someone's wife.. but i know, she'll always be our friend, our lat.. kan lat kan? :')

to lat and boy,

i wish you both eternal joy and happiness in your life together.. and may you be blessed with cute children, which you know that i'm gonna spoil rotten! :P

on a side note, i find myself getting into the same drill. yet again. i'm really confused. is there something wrong with me? do i send out the wrong vibe or something? or is it simply because all the good ones are already gone?

crazy. i know. we're right at the corner of a new year.. and i don't think i've achieved what i set out for when i started working.. adult life is hard. or maybe it's hard because i just wouldn't let go of the little girl inside me..

my baby sister hana's wedding is this weekend, but i don't think i'll be able to make it.. i'm hoping i could go to ghaus's side of reception, but i don't really see much hope there too.. oh well, fingers crossed.

1/4 century..

as the day passed by.. unsurprisingly, i didn't feel at all different.. well, actually.. all the warm wishes did make me smile and made my heart felt all warm inside, for just a little while.. as for everything else, and sh*t that happened on that day, they left me feeling as crappy as any other day in my life.. i didn't set out to feel special on the day, but i did hope that i can at least go to sleep with a smile on my face, knowing that my first official day as a 25 year old went well.. oh well, we can't always get what we want..

my exam didn't go so well.. i'm praying hard to pass, so that i won't be called for viva, and i can have a great time with the crazy kids at lat's big day.. more importantly, i really don't want to prolong my stay in paeds..

knowing what to do, and actually doing it is so hard, why? i'm starting to think that i've become a coward.. or maybe i'm just being too nice.. why are things that are supposed to make me feel good about myself ended up making me feel like crap? i just don't get it.. what am i doing wrong?

this is not good.. my first post after that day, and already it's so negative.. not good, not good..

yet another one..

and so i lost another one of my best friends to the marriage wagon.. don't get me wrong, i am happy for them, i am.. but honestly, i can't help but feel a little sad watching her slipping away from me.. ah i'm sappy.....

this isn't the first of my best friends to get married.. and though we still keep in touch, things just aren't the same anymore.. i understand, married life is different.. all i'm trying to say is that, i miss my best friends.. every single one of them.. i miss us hanging out together like old times..

sappiness apart, kak nurul's wedding ceremony was wonderful! it was simple, but grand at the same time.. the bride looks prettier than ever, and the groom looks so happy and contented.. their journey wasn't a smooth ride, so they must've been really happy to finally be together.. and i'm just happy that they're happy.. :)

dear akak and farhi,

i wish you find your happily ever after in each other..

please forgive my stupid speech in your video, i was too disturbed by my own emotion at that time.. i love you, and you'll always be the best sister in the world to me (though most of the time, i'm more mature than you are.. :p)

love,

your 'adik'.. :p

wonderland?

the dream-child moving through a land of wonders wild and new.. in friendly chat with bird or beast, and half believe it true..

i don't even know what's normal and what isn't anymore..