the stOry Of my Life

the last one standing..

2012-02-06T00:28:00.003+08:00

yesterday the last of my roomate, anaman, got engaged.. of course i went and be there with her.. i always do, right? ;) if i don't, when would i get another chance of going for a holiday? plus, i intend to kutip all the berkat that i could get.. muahaha~ xp

anaman and me had a little pact back when we were younger.. i wasn't supposed to get married before her.. of course i keep my end of the deal.. :p at this rate, i don't even think i'm anywhere near marriage.. i mean, i'm still the immature, lazy old me.. i think it's high time for me to grow up and be more responsible right? i'm not getting any younger.. maybe i should start preparing myself.. ah but then, all these talks will go away when the sun comes out tomorrow.. muahaha~

they said, it's not easy to choose.. not true. it's easy to choose, because we know, deep in our heart, we know which one we like best.. but it becomes hard to choose because we try to rationalize our decision.. it's a constant battle between the heart and the mind isn't it? too many choices versus no choice, both will result in the same thing.. confusion confusion..

it seems like everyone is racing to produce offspring these days.. everytime i see someone i haven't seen in a long time, it's the baby bump that i see first.. even when i get a text or a phone call from someone who haven't kept in touch with me for a while, i know, the sudden contact is to tell me the good news.. of course i'm happy for them.. it's just that they're too many, and i got them all mixed up!

congrats ana syg! :)

the big day for oily rice would be in a year's time.. perhaps a year would buy me enough time to prepare myself, or even to find someone.. haha~ sempat lagi! :p

i am a good friend, am i not? i think i am..

zombie..

2012-01-30T18:58:00.002+08:00

lately, i've been feeling like a walking and talking zombie most of the time.. is it possible that i've sort of become a workaholic? i go to work early, i come home late, and i think about work even when i'm not at work.

this. is. not. good.

be careful what you wish for, cause you just might get it all, and some you don't want..

true enough. the thing is, i'm not quite the touchy feely kind of girl.. i don't deal with these things like normal girls do.. in fact, if i can simply run away and hide from them i would do that. alas, growing up means dealing with these things the right way.. sometimes i find myself straying away from my path, and forgetting the principle that i used to hold on to..

it's not pride. it's self-respect.

so i think i'm sticking to the cold-hearted version of macho me.. it works, you know..

after you clear your eyes..

2012-01-21T11:46:00.002+08:00

you'll see the light, somewhere in the darkness..

since i made that decision, i feel a lot better.. no more confusion, expectation and more importantly, no frustration.. this is so much easier, and surprisingly, it makes me happier, not more depressed.. yeay me! :) sometimes i wonder, why did they said i was difficult, and cold? i've always thought i'm a warm and simple person.. oh well. we can never satisfy everyone, so why even bother trying..

so i finally had the time to meet fatin's tiny grumbler.. and she (hopefully it's a she.. :p) kicked me! ahaha notty notty little baby.. aunty mijah is gonna be the one who's gonna spoil you rotten tau, so you better treat me well.. heeee.

my work schedule for this week is so... relaxing.. hahaha~ i like!

i'm off to tiaq's wedding in a little while.. i'm not even sure of the direction to go to her house.. bet we're gonna get lost pretty badly.. huuu. wish i could just borrow golf's navigator for a little while.. :p

messy.

2012-01-18T13:30:00.004+08:00

i spent most of my younger days doing something i thought was right at that moment.. as time goes on, and as i grow older, i finally realized it was a mistake i made because i was so young, so hopeful, so full of optimism. it took me long enough to realize that things have changed, that i have changed. in the spirit of doing the right thing, i decided to leave everything behind. it wasn't easy to stop doing the only thing you knew how to do, but i survived the transition phase. i emerged as the new old me. the one that i have long forgotten about when i lost track, because i've been stirred towards a different direction than the one i initially chose. of course, i didn't even realize it back then. after all these times, i learned a lot, i have some regret, but i don't think i'm sorry for everything that happened.

being free gave me a lot of time to ponder about things.. it took me long enough to finally be ready to try again.. unfortunately, all that stepped into my life turned out to be not so helpful, useless and disappointing.. naturally, all these left me feeling more afraid than ever.. i build up walls around me to protect myself.. i stayed close enough to have fun, but far away enough so that i won't get hurt.. ever again. but then, what's life without a little risk ey?

i spoil things by over thinking.. i always do. then i get all confused by things that aren't even confusing.. i told myself to just live the moment, go with the flow.. but then i would do stupid things and feel bad about it.. it's like i have a stupid clone who keep on messing up with my mind.. and also with my life.. i should stay on the ground, i must. stop over thinking, stop worrying. whatever will be will be.. maybe all these are triggered by the fear that i can feel is creeping in.. why do i do this? why am i such a mess?

it's raining, and i can see the rainbow is still here.. the view is still breathtaking.. and that makes me smile.. :)

black and white inside..

2012-01-16T01:21:00.002+08:00

i'm a very simple person. with enough food, sleep and my usual dose of laughter, i can survive any day (hopefully) .. i think i've even build up a pretty good tolerance to the stress level of work and a special 'stone-face' mask to wear to work.. after a certain number of times (read: too many times laa) being tortured for other people's mistakes or over something so trivial, i've given up taking everything too personally.. i mean, yes, i need to learn from mistakes. but i need not be so stressed out about work..

since my current ward is busy everyday, my meal time has been cut down to once a day. but you can bet i eat 3 meals worth of food during that precious meal time..but i'm not complaining. with good food and a good company, i'm more than satisfied.. ;) and with the crazy not-so-single ladies nearby, it's easier to kidnap them.. muahaha~~

i am happy. i like where i'm standing now. i'm enjoying the view, the journey and also the theme song. still, i am afraid. i won't let go of everything i've held onto. not yet, and may be not ever. but i'm afraid of losing myself in this cloud.. and that tiny bit of ray may be gone in a few more days.. i wonder if the rainbow is staying, or will it be gone with the rain.

cruising down the freeway..

2012-01-11T19:45:00.002+08:00

it finally ended. tagging.

and i finally get a day off on a wednesday. which is absolutely wonderful! though i didnt really spend it the way i intend to.. i planned to sleep all day long! but i failed. sherlock holmes did not fail me though, at all.

surgery is.. fun! (read it the way sherly's brother taught mrs watson to read the telegram)

if you know me at all, i'm not a very patient person.. and i usually need some time to warm up to new people.. unless that person is very warm and bubbly, there's a high possibility that that person will never see the bubbly side of me.. i talk a lot, i make stupid jokes all the time, though most of them aren't even funny.. sometimes what i said make no sense, at all.. i eat a lot, i sleep a lot. i'm lazy. i don't know how to cook. i'm not ashamed to say that about myself. i'm not the nicest girl in town, i'm not a plain jane, and i'm also not cruella de vil. i'm just a simple person. really. and if you never get to see the fun side of me, i think it's not my fault entirely.

i may not have that many friends, because of my own limitation. but i have awesome friends. and that's more than enough for me.

i'm comfortable the way i am now. no pressure. no expectation. well, maybe there's a tiny bit of hope. i'm still a girl, aren't i? :p

the end.

2011-12-31T22:59:00.005+08:00

of 2011..
all in all, i'd say i had a pretty good run this year.. i'm looking forward for a wonderful year ahead.. but i'm not that optimistic at the moment..

first week in surgery... well, in a nutshell, its not very pretty.. good thing is, i made a new friend! or perhaps i could say... i now have, like, a fairy godfather.. sent to me by my very own guardian angel.. hahaha XP

new year resolution? i had a few in mind, but i'm not gonna jot it down here.. in case i re-read my post and realized i haven't get it done later, then i'm gonna feel like crap. hahahaha

looks can really be deceiving, is it not? i know, first impression is important. but just because you like the look, doesn't mean you're gonna like the content.. why won't some people understand this? it's useless to talk to people who wouldn't even listen. i guess i still speak alien language.

so i finally made it to ghaus & hana's reception.. yeay! my baby sister hana look sooo pretty! and they both looked like kanak-kanak rebina yang sangat riang! pardon my lame language.. i arrived there late, so i missed seeing cimee acted like the best man cum the maid of honour.. rugi gile! but he's simply the best for the job.. :P

kanak-kanak riang! :D

as usual, i felt sad.. i feel like i'm losing her.. but i know, he's the right one for her.. and he's gonna make her so much happier than she already is.. and i'm gonna have hindustani anak angkat later! weeee~ :D

i think... naaahhh, maybe not... dare i even think about it? urgh. i think i'm losing it. oh no!

p/s: happy new year everyone! may the new year bring us more sunshine than ever! :D

idle.

2011-12-22T16:45:00.003+08:00

on idle mode currently.. my last day of lazying around the house.. tomorrow will see the light of me entering surgical posting.. everybody keep telling me that it's hell. but fatin told me that i'll survive as well as she did.. and ainal keep telling me not to let myself be bullied.. oh well, i'm always too nice for my sake.. :p

last weekend yet another one of my bestest bestfriend got married.. yippee yeay yeay to the pretty bride lat! :D i'm so happy for them.. and i've never seen her happier than she was on that fine day.. as usual, i became a little bit sad watching my friend become someone's wife.. but i know, she'll always be our friend, our lat.. kan lat kan? :')

to lat and boy,

i wish you both eternal joy and happiness in your life together.. and may you be blessed with cute children, which you know that i'm gonna spoil rotten! :P

on a side note, i find myself getting into the same drill. yet again. i'm really confused. is there something wrong with me? do i send out the wrong vibe or something? or is it simply because all the good ones are already gone?

crazy. i know. we're right at the corner of a new year.. and i don't think i've achieved what i set out for when i started working.. adult life is hard. or maybe it's hard because i just wouldn't let go of the little girl inside me..

my baby sister hana's wedding is this weekend, but i don't think i'll be able to make it.. i'm hoping i could go to ghaus's side of reception, but i don't really see much hope there too.. oh well, fingers crossed.

1/4 century..

2011-12-11T18:29:00.002+08:00

as the day passed by.. unsurprisingly, i didn't feel at all different.. well, actually.. all the warm wishes did make me smile and made my heart felt all warm inside, for just a little while.. as for everything else, and sh*t that happened on that day, they left me feeling as crappy as any other day in my life.. i didn't set out to feel special on the day, but i did hope that i can at least go to sleep with a smile on my face, knowing that my first official day as a 25 year old went well.. oh well, we can't always get what we want..

my exam didn't go so well.. i'm praying hard to pass, so that i won't be called for viva, and i can have a great time with the crazy kids at lat's big day.. more importantly, i really don't want to prolong my stay in paeds..

knowing what to do, and actually doing it is so hard, why? i'm starting to think that i've become a coward.. or maybe i'm just being too nice.. why are things that are supposed to make me feel good about myself ended up making me feel like crap? i just don't get it.. what am i doing wrong?

this is not good.. my first post after that day, and already it's so negative.. not good, not good..

yet another one..

2011-12-05T12:19:00.003+08:00

and so i lost another one of my best friends to the marriage wagon.. don't get me wrong, i am happy for them, i am.. but honestly, i can't help but feel a little sad watching her slipping away from me.. ah i'm sappy.....

this isn't the first of my best friends to get married.. and though we still keep in touch, things just aren't the same anymore.. i understand, married life is different.. all i'm trying to say is that, i miss my best friends.. every single one of them.. i miss us hanging out together like old times..

sappiness apart, kak nurul's wedding ceremony was wonderful! it was simple, but grand at the same time.. the bride looks prettier than ever, and the groom looks so happy and contented.. their journey wasn't a smooth ride, so they must've been really happy to finally be together.. and i'm just happy that they're happy.. :)

dear akak and farhi,

i wish you find your happily ever after in each other..

please forgive my stupid speech in your video, i was too disturbed by my own emotion at that time.. i love you, and you'll always be the best sister in the world to me (though most of the time, i'm more mature than you are.. :p)

love,

your 'adik'.. :p

wonderland?

2011-11-23T00:33:00.003+08:00

the dream-child moving through a land of wonders wild and new.. in friendly chat with bird or beast, and half believe it true..

i don't even know what's normal and what isn't anymore..

remember when..

2011-11-20T12:16:00.002+08:00

back when i was just a little girl.. i've always been more thrilled when mama brought home new books for me, than when she got us new toys.. back in those days, the toys that we can usually afford are the happy meal toys.. and she will always buy 2 sets of the same toy.. 1 for me, and 1 for ijan.. because if she bought us different ones, we'd both fight to get the one in blue colour.. ;)

back then i'd save most of my pocket money to buy new books.. my enid blyton's books collection was one of my childhood pride.. i wonder what have become of them now in the old house.. hmmm. one day when i have my own place, i want a library.. i can't even find most of my books now.. they're either left at the old house, or drowned in nina's pool of belongings in our room..

i remember when..

i was inseparable from my little brother.. back then i was very, very protective of ijan.. i was the only one who could understand his language.. he would say some stupid things, and people would search for me high and low just to translate what he was saying.. back then he was such a big cry baby, and a drama king.. he used to perform his version of 'somersault' in the mall when mama wouldn't buy him what he want..

he was my world, my cute chubby little angel who would follow me everywhere and try to do everything that i do.. i still remember when i had to climb on the kitchen cabinet to prepare his milk because mama was sick, and he just wouldn't stop crying.. we used to play silly games together like sleeping in the cupboard, pretending like we're on a train going some place far far away.. or jumping off the double decker bed, pretending like we're the space rangers.. we had the time of our lives playing those silly games.. we would always dress up alike.. back then i used to dress like a boy, and my hair was always kept short..

to this day, we're still close, but the bond is not as sacred as it was back when we were little.. as crazy and silly as he is, i know i can always count on him.. no matter how irresponsible i always say he is, he's a good son.. and a wonderful brother..

i remember when..

there were just the 3 of us.. life was simple, and easy.. no matter how hard it was actually for us.. i loved that house.. i cherished those moments when we had to ride a bus, then walk to get home.. and how we dragged our 2 new big bolsters from pasar malam to our 4th floor flat.. how mama would jog at the park on weekends, and ijan would follow her around on his old tricycle.. while i would be chasing him from behind to make him go faster.. most of the time he'd lose control and fell.. and i'd jump to the rescue even before he understood what had happened.. how he vomited in that kfc because he was sick.. and how mama fell while carrying him because he was so heavy, that little fat boy.. how mama would eat nasik lemak ciput for lunch everyday so she could buy his expensive milk because he used to fall sick all the time back then.. his asthma was really bad, he'd get an attack even by carrying that blue power ranger toy around the house.. that silly boy..

i miss those carefree moments.. how is it possible that our lives were so much more fun when we had less in our pockets?

i guess it's right then, that money can't buy us happiness..

time.

2011-11-16T20:03:00.002+08:00

time can be anything, and everything..

it can be the best healer.. or so, people claimed..

it can be the fortune-teller.. or else why do people keep saying 'only time will tell' ..

it can be be jealous of you.. notice how time flies fast when you're doing something you like, and how it crawls so damn slowly when you're doing something you hate..

sometimes i think it's not about the time, per se.. it is all up to us.. we use time, or we blame time, when we're not satisfied with ourselves.. or rather, when we're not satisfied with something..

personally, i don't think time is the best healer.. it's just that we need the time to adapt to the change.. we need the time and the space to heal the wound.. but most importantly, it's what we do with the time that is more important..

i miss my cheeky sofea so damn much.. :'(

i feel old.

2011-11-14T20:53:00.003+08:00

one of my oldest friend just got married last saturday.. we've known each other since primary school.. all those precious game time, oh how i miss those happy moments.. anyway, laddawan.. she did a great job growing up.. she's tall, skinny and pretty.. me? i'm still the old size me.. i think i skipped the 'growth spurt' part of growing up.. shoot.

so the husband is a really nice guy.. he has this special ability of making small talks with literally everyone, and he can make us feel like family within the first few seconds we talked.. reminded me a bit of someone.. but i doubt he still has those abilities. meena and jijie are all grown up and really pretty too! i don't think i'll be able to recognize them if i see them anywhere.. it must've been more than 10 years since the last time i saw them..

spent the last few days hanging out with my lalings.. and though we still had all those laughing-till-tears-come-out moments, we seem to have more of the grown-up conversations these days.. must've been the pressure of lat getting married (sorry lat.. :p) , and everyone's pressure of keeping up with their kpi of working.. yes, i'm refusing to admit the fact that i'm old.. muahaha~

with the rainy season, comes the 'mating season'.. since the last weekend, i've received wedding invitations for every weekend until the end of this year.. and as per usual, i have to choose only a few to attend.. the closest one is kak nurul's on the 3rd december.. can't wait!! :D

....................................................

maybe i should start opening up and lower down my guard a bit.. but then again, will i be able to go through the ordeal like a normal person? am i willing to face the possibility of getting hurt?

....................................................

everytime i tried, i end up getting hurt.. every. single. time.

i don't know if my poor heart can stand another roller-coaster ride.. i'm not denying that it's a crazy fun adventure that i do miss sometimes.. but i think i'm too old for roller-coasters.. no?

then the many questions arise... questions that i have no answers for.. no matter how long i thought of them.. my only answer for now, it's gonna happen when it happens.. pardon my silly, alien language.. i haven't had a good night sleep since last thursday.. my own fault for having the time of my life and forgetting that i'm working now, and i'm not that young anymore.. :p

i'm happy to report that i'm all sunny and bubbly again! :D

sunny again..

2011-11-09T22:03:00.004+08:00

i was blessed to be able to celebrate Raya Haji with my family.. :)

ayah's rendang and mama's chocolate chip cookies made me able to go to work on the next day with a smiling face.. :p

i'm still in adaptation phase of life in the nursery.. but i am finally able to be my goofy self again.. heeee. i've always had problem in adjusting to change and warming up to new people.. though i still prefer my old ward then the current ward, i actually like the fact that i have friends now.. i mean, not just colleague.. it took me about 2 months to find myself laughing till tears come out, at work. muahaha~

why is it that other people are more worried than i am about the fact that i'm single? (read: single. not 'still' single)..

when i'm not writing, i find myself thinking about a LOT of things to write.. but when i finally have the time to write, my mind went blank.. crap.

vampire?

2011-10-30T21:54:00.002+08:00

with all these blood sucking that i do everyday, plus the stone heart and cold blood of mine, i'm beginning to feel more and more like a vampire.. true, i may not sparkle in daylight or have my fangs come out once i smell blood.. at least that's how i portray myself, all macho and cool (or so i thought) .. but the dreadful day came and passed, and still i had that same hollow pain i once felt not so long ago..

i had a comforting not-so-pillow talk with my new friends, and i think it's justified that i am scared, and not ready.. yet. opening up to them made me feel all that pain again.. and it made me realize, that my scar still bleeds.. why do it seems like i only attract jerks, or fall for the wrong person all the time? is it my awesomeness that has some kind of stupid affinity towards jerks or am i just stupid? i don't get it. seriously, i don't. i know i said i don't mind the fact that i'm not committed at this age.. i don't.. what i do mind is having these jerks when i don't want any of them around.. can i just fly to a different planet already?

family time!

2011-10-24T21:35:00.002+08:00

so they finally came! after 2 long months i'm stuck here in melaka.. it took me just a promise to pay for the ikan bakar feast to get them to come here.. :P but that definitely made my day.. oh. wait. i mean, the dinner, and also the date with hugh jackman in the afternoon.. ;) real steel was awesome!!

my nrp megacode is postponed. again. and somehow i'm still not prepared for it.. i hope i'll pass..

i still have no idea how many i should save up from my salary.. i mean, i have some rough idea, but i'm lazy to work it out.. i've done some shopping, and they're so worth it. so i'm not mad at myself, at all.. :P also, i wonder how much should i give to my parents.. and the kids?

so tomorrow will be my day 1 of life in scn.. i foresee darkness and blurriness ahead of me.. 1 week of tagging is not something i'm looking forward for.. on top of it, i think i only get 1 day break for raya haji.. but there's still hope.. maybe i'll get the next day off as well.. fingers crossed.

short break.

2011-10-18T21:07:00.002+08:00

i needed a break.. and i think i speak for all the 3 of us, we all really needed it.. although we only managed to escape from the real world for just a little while, but it was really fun! :D and it was definitely worth all the hassle..

i know i've only been working for almost 2 months.. and i'm hardly entitled for a vacation.. but a lot of things happened.. sh*t happened. and it was getting a bit too much for me to handle.. needless to say, i haven't even returned when the dark reality started creeping back in my life.. initially i was determined not to allow them to spoil my fully-fuelled tank of happiness and joy.. but today i surrendered to the post-vacation blues..

kakpah looked beautiful in her red and black wedding dress.. and apparently i was the only one yang semangat enough to dress according to the theme.. cis!

spent most of the time at the beach and stuffing our stomachs with yummy yummy kuantan food.. and i think i did a great job in 'putting' up the plan.. :P my favourite part was watching the moon at tC.. i could've stayed up all night to do that.. ;)

and we did get to see min junior, cute little zara! :D

wira is still leading in the babies zone with 3 babies.. i'm so proud of you guys, min & bed! mummy's so proud of all of you.. now mummy can rest easy, there's no need for me to get married fast fast because you guys are already doing such a great job! :P

i need to go and study now.. i hope i won't get killed tomorrow..

like mother like daughter.

2011-10-13T20:14:00.002+08:00

for as long as i could remember, people have been telling me that i look like a photocopied version of my mother.. of which i have always silently disagreed, but of course i maintained a polite smile and nodded approvingly upon receiving that comment.. well, for one thing, i didn't inherit those deep deep dimples of hers.. and i have only 1 dimple, isn't that weird? :p

as i grow older, i have come to accept that i am, just like her.. it's not like it's a big surprise pun la kan.. as she is the one who brought me up.. sometimes our similarities are so glaringly obvious that it makes me scared.. i mean, my mother is cool and everything.. but i don't want to be exactly like her, i wanna be cooler.. can ah? :p

and so our convocation fell on the same day, 8th october 2011.. mine was the morning session, while hers was the afternoon one.. i had a lot of fun meeting up the gang on that day.. God, how i missed them! we didn't even get to chit chat that long, but seeing those bunch of happy faces just made me so sooo happy! i'm so glad i have great friends in my life..

i'm thankful for every beautiful things i'm blessed with in my life.. and please forgive me, ya Allah if i complained too much..

sick of it.

2011-10-03T20:54:00.002+08:00

i'm so sick and tired of all these stupid parents who refuse treatment for their children.. then why in the world did you bring your children to the hospital in the first place? and i can't bring myself to understand why we, the healthcare workers, are more worried about your children than you are.. seriously.

2 babies were discharged at own risk today.. 2 tiny babies who were brought in with unprovoked and afebrile seizure.. both of them are barely in their second month of life.. the Malays really need to stop holding on to the myth that lumbar puncture is bad and dangerous, and is gonna paralyse you.. fine, i can accept if you refused lumbar puncture for your child, but refusing treatment? when we've tried our best to explain to you the complications of untreated meningitis to your child? if something bad happened to your child, can you live with the fact that you can do something about it but you simply refused. because of your stupidity and stubbornness? God, i'm so angry at these parents.

dear babies, i pray that you will be all right..

soft spot on an icy land.

2011-10-02T15:19:00.002+08:00

i'm so used to being macho (or at least i tried to anyway) until i forgot that i still have a soft spot somewhere in my icy cold heart..

i bagged a tiny baby for almost 2 hours today.. he's 5 months old, but only weigh about 3 kg.. after about one and a half hours of bagging, somehow he opened his eyes.. maybe the sedatives are not enough, i didn't check with the nurses.. the moment he opened his tiny little eyes and looked directly at me, i found tears pooling in my own eyes.. imagine if the parents saw me crying, they would have thought that something bad happened to their child.. so i tried to fight it, and boy, was it hard.

i guess i'm still a human being after all..

impatient inpatient.

2011-10-01T22:28:00.000+08:00

if you know me at all, you'd know that patience has never been one of my best traits.. i have this tiny problem in controlling my temper.. come to think of it, perhaps my threshold has been a bit higher these days.. i think i haven't shout at anyone for quite some time now.. :p
rationalization tells me that this is why i haven't got that many friends these days.. but wait, maybe the actual reason is because i tend to filter the people that i let into my sacred circle more tightly now.. whatever reason it is, i honestly like being on my own.. and for what it's worth, i know i have great friends that i can always count on.. no matter how far away they are, or how busy they are with their own lives..

and so i've been walking on this career path for about a month now.. time does fly fast isn't it?
can't wait for next weekend to meet my kesayangans.. i miss them a lot.. and since i'm not a big fan of texting these days, i haven't been able to keep in touch with them.. (i know, i sound like an old lady..)

i miss my old, fun self..

family first..

2011-09-25T00:17:00.000+08:00

in the land of the single people, family always comes first.. job comes in next at a very close second place.. or perhaps it's the other way around actually.. :p
anyway, we went out to celebrate daddy's birthday today.. unfortunately most of us were not satisfied with the meal.. but we did have a lot of fun.. though mama merajuk for a while, because her children were so engrossed with their handphones, and no one were listening to what she was saying.. heee~ sorry mama.. ;)

on the other side of the world, echah's father is not doing so well.. he had a stroke and a heart attack last week.. the last time i spoke to echah, she said he had to undergo bypass surgery.. let us all pray for the best for him.. and may echah and her family remain strong to be there for him..

will be going back to my little island early tomorrow morning.. but i'm not sleepy yet..

world behind my wall..

2011-09-15T21:48:00.003+08:00

am learning to stand on my own feet, and still struggling to find my centre of gravity.. working life is not easy, as anticipated.. but i think i'm enjoying it.. being scolded by superiors is definitely not an uncommon, and not at all, a pretty sight.. good thing i'm blessed with a thick skin, sort of.. and i'm still trying to not take everything personally, especially when there's a bunch of people who i could really do without.. but what to do, a team still has to work even when there's no teamwork.. that's the ugly truth, at least, it is here, on this little island that i'm residing in..

at the moment, social life is next to non-existent.. what little time that i have is spent on paying back my expensive sleep debt, and wasted (willingly) on the internet.. i've come to accept that making new friends in working life is not as easy as it used to be back in our student life.. but i'm still thankful that i can talk to some of them and share stories while working.. and the nurses are nice and friendly too.. :)

and i'm sad to report that my new partner-in-crime has been demoted, by me, because i hardly ever see her these days.. wuuu.

i'm still not satisfied about the food here.. can anyone please tell me where can i get good food nearby? i'd really appreciate that.. :)

still tagging..

2011-09-04T01:19:00.004+08:00

and so i finally had the experience of standing the whole day, having to sneak away for prayers and meal, and also, getting home and collapsing on the bed.. being scolded, bullied and feeling so incompetent.. there's more to come, no doubt about it..

i thought i have prepared for this mentally.. i knew i had this coming.. my morale now is still at an acceptable range..

but my body hasn't really adapted to this yet.. my stomach protested a lot.. and i think i've lost more weight in this 1 week of tagging than 1 month of fasting.. but hey, i'm not complaining.. :p

i'm grateful that i had a lot of fun in my student life..

and i'm thankful to have kamini as my great new partner-in-crime.. :)

i actually think i'm enjoying this whole working life and being independent thingy..

p/s: can anyone please teach me how to speak mandarin? and also how to capture a cute chubby chinese guy's heart.. *wink*

selamat hari raya! :D

2011-08-30T18:12:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah.. got 2 days off for raya.. weeee~ :)

managed to get home for iftar with my family on the last day of Ramadhan.. ijan said i was trying to be melodramatic by getting home on Raya eve, like in the dramas.. pfft. what does he know about working life right? :P

today has been a really great day for me.. in the true spirit of urban raya, we spent the day by eating all kinds of raya food and napping.. and of course, watching cartoons.. :D

no duit raya for the kids, as i haven't managed to chop duit yet.. i promised nina that i'll give it to her next month though.. such a good sister right? :P

my first 2 days of working, or more precisely, as taggers, were quite okay.. i wasn't that excited to get paediatics as my first posting, but it's fun.. the parents are always nice, especially since they're already in raya mood.. i got all kinds of food for breaking my fast, and i won't be surprised if i get kuih raya after this.. ;)

i'd be lying if i were to say that i'm excellent at my job.. i was blur at first, and slow most of the time.. but i think i'm getting the hang of it.. i hope i'll get better really soon!

will be back to melaka tomorrow.. let's continue stuffing our stomach with good food! :D

wise words from a wise girl.. :)

2011-08-24T11:28:00.001+08:00

Grow up is never difficult. You sleep and eat, you go to work and the next thing you know, people storming in for bundles of birthday wishes - enough to mark another year had passed. You're oldER. And you get back into the same routine.

Sleep-eat-work- and of course pray!

It's the experimenting session with life that makes it hard. What to say to which people. What not to say. What to do now, who to talk to. And the most difficult part would be the long pause of silence for some unanswered questions.

The path to choose and stay on to.

The ability to stay focus.

The power of saying your voice out.

And last but not least, the decision-making time! Yeay!

-thank you moon moon for your wise words..

i miss you and our long talks.. i miss your hug and your brownies.. but most of all, i miss you..

hello from melaka! :)

2011-08-23T15:49:00.003+08:00

my second day in hospital melaka.. everything went well up to now.. i think this is a nice place for me to work.. :) managed to get hostel in the hospital compound, so it's very convenient..

this first week we have orientation, so my tagging will start next week.. i'm posted in paediatrics.. scared to death now, paeds is definitely not on my list as a first poster.. hope i won't die..

friend and foe..

2011-08-08T13:02:00.002+08:00

had a nightmare the other day.. i was running away from a ghost.. then it turned out that the ghost looked just like me.. blergh.

maybe it's true then.. one's biggest friend and also foe is one's own self...

salam ramadhan..

2011-08-02T12:32:00.002+08:00

selamat menyambut ramadhan mubarak! :)

i still remember..

when we were little, we used to go to the surau to perform terawih.. actually we were forced to, since Ki is the imam.. and all the little kids were playing on the ground, but we were never allowed to join them.. and no matter how hard we tried to escape and join the kids, Wan will always know..

then we go home, and our uncles will play bunga api with us.. sometimes even Wan and Ki join us..

and on the last day of puasa, all of us will be busy preparing food for hari raya.. we used to make satay every year, but not anymore.. our uncles will be busy preparing the meat for the satay while our aunts make the kuah kacang.. and Ki will make the nasik impit.. and us kids will be disturbing Ki, because it was really cool how he'd lenyek the nasik in a kain batik wrapping.. muahaha~ pardon my rojak language.. ;P

since this is the only Ramadhan that i'm home for quite a long time, mama put me into tadarus Quran at the surau.. reciting Quran with the older generation, made me realize that our generation recites Quran fast, with only short pauses.. like the ustazah said, we recite Quran like the lrt.. there's also this other girl, whom i think is a bit younger than me, so i'm not the only lrt there.. hihihi~

our induction is said to be on the 16th, so maybe i should start revising? but yeah, i'm busy.. (read: lazy)

tiger vs lion!

2011-07-29T14:18:00.005+08:00

my first time watching a football match at a stadium... and it was a crazy fun adventure! weehoo~

i'm a well known kaki bangku.. and i don't usually watch football games.. but watching it there was a really great experience.. i even joined the crowd singing and cheering.. wee~

being slightly smaller than the rest of the crowd makes it difficult for me to move around, but the bodyguards were very helpful in building a perimeter around us.. muahaha~

me & ifa.. thanks for the ticket & the great experience! :D

the bodyguards.. younger, but bigger than us.. muahaha~

although we lost the game, and won't make it to the world cup, we won in terms of the spirit.. we played a fair game, and our team is stronger than ever.. i'm pretty sure we have a brighter future ahead of us.. go tiger! :D

invisible..

2011-07-28T03:06:00.002+08:00

flipping through my brand new X batch's yearbook made me realize one thing.. i was invisible throughout those years.. my picture was literally hard to find in the many events that our batch was involved in.. i was one of those people that people will forget in the next 10 years.. i was, i mean, i am, the plain jane of the X batch..

i was living in my own little world and i had great friends, of course.. most of which were close to me from the earliest days of matric, especially my kesayangans.. :) a whole lot of them, i got closer to towards the end of our time together.. especially my darling roomates, and my final year posting groupmates..

and i've come to realize that most people are awesome, we just have to find the time to get to know them better.. :)

but i wasn't friends with everyone in the batch.. there were people that i have never even spoken to in the 5 years that we were batchmates.. i usually hang out only with people that i'm comfortable with.. and i guess that makes me invisible, because there's not that many people that i can hang out with.. wait, does that make me a weirdo?

i used to be sort of likeable, back in jenan.. i was friends with everyone, and i can be goofy with anyone without feeling embarrassed of myself.. back then, you can seat me with anyone, and i'll still be able to have a great time.. oh how i miss my old fun self..

i wonder what changed throughout all these years.....

little woman..

2011-07-26T00:20:00.002+08:00

that's how i felt like today.. had to run 'adult' errands today.. but instead of feeling like a real adult, i felt like an adult trapped in a girl's body.. sounds silly at my age kan? i know..

had a little fight with the lady at jpn because she said nina should have gone with mama to apply for her ic.. i am already 25 years old, so i am of legal age to be her 'guardian'.. i already checked, of course.. luckily this nice pakcik told the lady to process our application.. yeay.

reply letter checked. (i think)

the medical checkup result will take about 3-4 weeks to be ready..

will go find the sesumpah tomorrow.. hope there won't be any problem..

i'm afraid to step into the adult world.. and even more so to start working.. rusted brain.. huuu.

i didn't know it has an expiry date..

2011-07-25T08:40:00.002+08:00

there i was, reminiscing all the bittersweet memories despite all my efforts to fight it.. being in the places we used to go together can do that to me sometimes.. urgh. and it doesn't help at all when i'm not in a good place right now.. self-esteem is way down while something else entirely is making it's way up..

i knew i shouldn't have done it, but i reached for the phone anyway.. because i thought i couldn't fight it anymore.. the second my phone beeped, i realized something.. to my surprise, i wasn't excited, at all.. there wasn't a single butterfly in my stomach.. yeay.

maybe i'm ready.. then again, maybe not.. i'm not quite sure whether this fear of getting hurt or simply the fact that i'm happy leading an easy breezy life that makes the idea of getting involved quite repelling to me.. heh.

i never thought that i'd feel this way.. and it's such a great feeling.. yippee!~ :D

jalan2 cari makan penang~

2011-07-23T16:35:00.007+08:00

so me and k.nurul went on our penang tour.. despite being a true orang penang, she was near-to-clueless of the places to go and nice things to eat around penang.. and of course, we had to turn to the gps for direction.. heh. we had a lot of fun, nevertheless! thanx kak! :D

laksa penang & ayaq nyoq.. terbaek!

rojak buah..

pasemboq.. punya la banyak! blame greedy nurul hafizah!

amik angin pantai..~

the next day we went to jut's house at aloq staq..

and had a really nice little feast.. yummy!

on the way back to kL, we stopped at kuala sepetang for the famous mee banjir udang..

now that i'm back in kL, there's a few borangs that i need to tend to.. so maybe our broga mission would be postponed for a little while..

inexperienced..

2011-07-22T10:35:00.002+08:00

or rather.. almost forgotten everything i once knew or learnt..

a good and happy relationship, does not necessarily mean it's a healthy one.. life, as it is, has it's ups and downs.. in a way, relationship is like that too.. we can't expect everything to go our way.. sometimes we have to deal with frustrations, which is worse when there isn't anyone to blame..

sometimes distance is the culprit.. or maybe something else of a higher priority comes in the way, family for instance, or work.. this is where understanding and compromise are of utmost importance..

maybe, just maybe.. i miss having those things.. then again.. maybe not.

maybe i've been spending way too much time with the lovebirds..

roadtrip~

2011-07-19T11:11:00.010+08:00

been busy with my bibik/supir duty these days.. and as usual, weekends were filled with friends' events.. ayah got bored and even asked me to stop talking about my friends' weddings, engagements or new arrivals.. muahaha~ sorry daddy.. ;)

9th july- ikram & fatin's reception at IPK shah alam..

fireworks! :D

childish bride & groom.. ;P

L.O.V.E. :)

15th july- mct's wedding at marang..

mct looked lovely that night.. :)

congrats mct & teddy!

16th july- nuaim's wedding at losong..

this has to be the wedding with the most 10th batch's guests..

at least for this year la.. ;)

(both pics taken from awis's fb)

apparently the boys didn't really take pictures of only the bride & groom, which us girls like to do.. especially the bride's picture, since she must've look lovely kan.. ;)

the roadtrip to terengganu was a lot of fun.. we went back to uia to settle our clearance and had breakfast at rescue 1 last time.. ;P went to asmaa's, kay's & izzaty's house for makan-makan.. i even managed to squeeze my tudung shopping mission before pushing back to kL.. hihihi~ and finally stopped at kemaman to have satar & kopok lekor..

is it just me being cold and heartless, or are some of my friends being too emotional, i'm not sure.. but i haven't really miss uia.. hmmm. or maybe i'm just having the time of my life being bibik/supir at home.. muahaha~

what if.

2011-07-04T14:16:00.002+08:00

in life, at one point or another, i find myself facing the ultimate question.. what if..?

what if i didn't go to jenan? will i have the great friends i made there?

what if i didn't go to uia? will i be the person i am today?

what if i wasn't strong enough to make the decisions i made, and stick to them? will i be better off that way?

what if i stick to the old path? will i be happier now?

truth be told, i have no regret whatsoever.. i just wonder, sometimes..

i'm happy with where i am now.. Alhamdulillah.. :)

life will knock us down..

2011-06-30T22:41:00.003+08:00

but we can choose whether or not to get back up.. or if we have the luxury of time, we can opt to take a rest for a little while, before getting back on our feet..

watched transformers twice today.. weehooo~ it was awesome, obviously! :D

i love carly, sam's new girlfriend.. and optimus prime's voice was very macho! i likeee! :D

love alone is not enough..

2011-06-28T22:44:00.002+08:00

maybe that's the reason the older generation have their happily ever after even though they didn't court before getting married.. because they have other important flavours of a good marriage..

to this day, in my opinion, one of the most important thing is still acceptance.. we have to be accepted and liked, just the way we are.. we shouldn't need to change ourselves the way that other person deems acceptable.. we're not clay for them to shape as they like.. if they don't like us, then why say they do in the first place?

one more thing is the willingness to be really understanding and to compromise.. it's one thing to say that you're willing to compromise and understand, but it's a whole other thing to really walk the talk.. yes, i learn it the hard way.

i'm not that young anymore.. and i guess i've build up a tolerance to that kind of 'need'.. the 'need' to love, and be loved.. there's a whole lot more things to think about before jumping on that wagon.. and i'm not ready to do that.. at least not now.. i'm loving my easy breezy life at the moment.. :)

i know, i'm not getting any younger, people keep telling me that.. but i have faith.. jodoh tu kan di tangan Tuhan.. leave it to Him..

anyway, people always thought i'm still in high school, so why worry too much? ;P

made of honour..~

2011-06-27T23:35:00.008+08:00

as of 26th June 2011, fatin and ikram are now a happily married couple! yeayy! :D

everything went smoothly yesterday.. their wedding was quite a simple event, but it was wonderful! and the look on both of their faces was a look of pure bliss... :)

i feel really honoured as fatin's family treated me like i'm one of them, especially her ibu.. i was even made the maid of honour, but there was no bersanding, so my job was pretty simple.. ;P

pure bliss! :D

see how happy they are.. hihihi~ ;P

l.o.v.e.. ;)

and this cute girl is ana, jut's niece! :D

and already i feel like i've lost her.. oh but we have a lunch date tomorrow, the groom is gonna treat us.. yeayy! :D

to my dear fatin and ikram,

i'm so happy for both of you.. you're both so lucky to have each other.. and i hope you found your happily ever after in each other.. and get cute children soon, so i can kidnap them! ;P

i love you both.. and my prayers will always be with you.. see you tomorrow! :D

double prosperity..~

2011-06-22T20:58:00.002+08:00

sometimes i hate media.. they leave us all messed up about reality and fantasy..

one of their stereotype is that stepmothers or stepfathers are always evil.. well, mine are not.

in fact, i'm closer to umi than i am with papa.. but maybe that's because us ladies are always very nice and friendly.. ;P i had a long talk with umi the other day, and as it turns out, she's a lot more like mama than i ever realize before.. no wonder i get along well with her..

and media always depicts people from a broken family to be very bad people.. i hate that.

i have 2 loving families, 2 wonderful mothers and 2 great fathers.. and i'm loving it!

it's true that sometimes i feel like i'm broken, inside.. it's a feeling that i find really hard to explain.. but growing up, i've come to term with the complexity of my whole being, and my family..

so the way i see it now, is just that i may have a loose screw somewhere inside my head.. ;P and that makes me awesome.. lalala~ ;P

anak bapak?

2011-06-19T13:33:00.004+08:00

most people will label me as anak mak without a question.. ;P

both papa and ayah are not the type of father that are close to their children.. of course, things were a lot easier when we were little.. we did everything without even thinking about it, right? i mean, they come home and we jumped right into their laps and shower them with a lot of kisses.. ;)

at this age, sometimes i find myself building up my courage first before saying anything to any one of them.. i know, it sounds silly, but it depends on what i was gonna say la kan.. ;P

being far apart from papa for a large part of my life, i've come to accept that distance do have an effect on a relationship.. communication has undeniably been made a lot easier these days, but still, it's really up to us to close the gap.. we may never be as close as mama and me, but i love him all the same..

and ayah is weird, as usual.. hik~ but he loves me as one of his own, so i don't really mind.. ;)

to both my loving fathers, happy fathers' day! i love you so much..

i may find my prince charming one day, but both of you will always be my kings.. :)

happy (but a little sad)..

2011-06-14T10:37:00.003+08:00

i just talked to izzati, for the longest time since she changed her status to puan.. we were there the whole time with her, but we hardly had time to talk.. i mean, really honest, deep, heart-to-heart talk.. the way we used to, all the time.. i'm not blaming her of course, she had a lot on her plate these last few days.. but i'm gonna miss her, i'm gonna miss my izzati.. the one who talks and talks, a lot. and make stupid remarks all the time.. heee. she uses words that are very alien to us (normal people).. she makes you laugh, even just by watching her facial expression or hand/body gestures when she talks.. and she loves to sing, though sadly, she's tone deaf.. ;P she's someone i know i can always rely on.. and she's one of my greatest friend.. now that she's married, i'm very very happy for her, of course i am. but i'm a little bit afraid that she won't be the same izzati that i love so much.. talking to her made me realize how much i'm going to miss her..

and it made me realize how much i miss qil too.. i didn't really realize that we've been spending less and less time together, because qil and i are study groupmates, so we still see each other a lot.. but now that we're all home, far away from each other, she's unreachable.. okay, i know, married life means there's a lot of responsibilities, and i'm not blaming her.. i'm just saying that i miss her..

maybe i'm having these feelings because these 2 are the closest friends i have that are now married.. the gap between us now that they're married is getting to me.. min and bed are quite close to me too, but when they got married, we hardly ever see each other because i was already in kuantan.. so it didn't really feel different to me..

and to think, in a few more days, fatin is gonna leave the single world as well.. and i'm gonna lose yet another good friend of mine.. isk.

selamat pengantin baru iz cayang!

lenkali kite gayut lagi tau! :D

happy days..~

2011-06-13T12:49:00.011+08:00

these few weeks have been busy, but full of joyful and happy moments nonetheless.. :D

we had our annual graduation dinner at Hyatt Hotel on our last night in kuantan.. it was really grand.. the food was nice, and the performance were really heartwarming.. most importantly, we had a great last night together! everyone dressed to the nines, and it seems the night was spent with a lot of picture snapping.. ;P

with my darling roomates,

minus husna who was having her akad that night..

with kesayangans! :D

minus qil, who was having her wedding reception on wan's side..

and rody, who was super busy that night.. ;P

the very next morning we pushed off to kelantan to attend weddings! :D

the journey was quite long and tiring, but off course, it was worth it.. watching the brides' pretty faces light up upon seeing us, well, it melts away the long hours of travelling.. ( for a while at least.. ;p )

with husna and nidzam.

the first of my roomates to upgrade status.. :D

with aimi & bhotak! :D

bed, the hot mama is expecting, again.. ;P melur has grown so big, and naughty too! but she's so adorable.. goodbye melur, aunty hope to see you again soon! :)

dear aimi & bhotak, congratulations on your wedding! i'm so happy for you guys.. :D and i'm so sorry i couldn't make it to bhotak's reception..

another one of my kesayangans have become puan.. izzati's wedding celebration must have been the most grand one i have ever been to.. 3 days 2 nights, and Tengku Mahkota Johor even 'mencemar duli' at her reception at The Zon Regency Hotel...

the happy faces of the newlyweds! :D

raja sehari yang berhari-hari menjadi raja.. ;P

you look lovely izzati cayang! :D

and you look okay paan.. ;P

dear izzati,

you're one of the first friends i made back in matric.. remember how people used to ask whether we were from the same school? we were really close, though we've only known each other for a little while, back then.. and i treasure our beautiful friendship to this day.. :)

i hope both of you will find happiness in your life together.. and get cute little children soon okay! :D

and paan, you better take good care of izzati.. i can't think of what i'll do to you if you hurt izzati, but i will hurt you back.. :P

so that's 2 down, 1 more to go.. must think of a nice wedding gift for fatin & ikram!

one word.

2011-05-28T09:06:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah....~

i made it. we made it. to all my roomates, kesayangans, study group mates, and dearest friends, we made it. yeay! Alhamdulillah..~ :D

words cannot describe what i'm feeling right now, or even what i felt when Dr.S announced my name yesterday.. one thing for sure is i.am.relieved.. and i can't thank everyone enough..

thank you...

Alhamdulillah.. thank you Allah for everything you have bestowed on me..

to my family, for your endless prayers and support, especially when i'm at my lowest point..

to my lecturers, for everything you have taught us and for guiding us through all these years, until the end..

to my friends, for everything you have given me and taught me.. and for everything we've shared all these while, all those laughter and joy, sweats and tears, and not forgetting panic attacks!

to the patients i've encountered, for teaching me things that aren't in the textbooks..

this is indeed, not the end.. it's just a beginning of a new chapter.. a chapter i'm quite afraid of, actually.. there's a whole lot of responsibilities involved.. hope i can carry it well..

p/s: i still can't believe it until now.. heee~ ;P

Alhamdulillah..~ :)

surreal.

2011-05-23T18:59:00.002+08:00

i honestly thought this day would never come.. or at least, i hope it won't.. alas, the countdown clock stopped today.. the moment that we (supposedly) have been waiting for all these while has finally arrived at our door.. i opened the door and found myself in a trance.. i feel like i lost myself in a dreamland.. i still can't believe that today happened, and it's drawing to its end as i speak.. but i really hope, and i pray that all these will end well, soon.. and right now, i'm still standing on the door side.. trying to move forward, because i definitely cannot reverse any more.. 3 days more.. chaiyuk!

phew~

2011-05-11T11:03:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah.. i didn't get the most fearful F.. thank you dear doctors, for giving me a P.. :)

come to think of it, maybe they did close one eye in giving me a P.. nevertheless, i'm grateful.. for i have no idea what's gonna happen to me should i get F instead.. i keep saying that i don't really mind if i failed this posting, but the truth is, i don't know if i could handle it.. really, why can't i handle stress as well as i should? i'm such a baby. i'd say i'm quite good at making people feel better, i used to be a mummy after all kan.. ;P but i'm never good at making my own self feel better..my comfort ritual is useless.. i mean, it worked all the time, but the effect is not long-lasting.. maybe it's in the gene? heh.

i had a great time yesterday.. fast and furious 5 was mighty awesome! i love Dom! and Brian, and Mia too.. hee~ the adrenaline rush was just what i needed. after all, Dr.Ng did say that we should let loose a bit and enjoy these last few days as students kan.. ;P

my faithful white friend is back where it belongs.. rendering all my buzz back in my arms.. weehoo~ i miss you Blaine.. i miss your wonderful voice.. ;)

i am awesome.. ;P

i tend to forget this, so i need to constantly remind myself of my awesomeness.. muahaha~

stop being the big bad wolf!

2011-05-08T18:12:00.003+08:00

why do people hurt other people? to make them feel better? or simply for revenge? if i could take matters in my own hands, i'd like to slap a lot of people, for hurting the people who are dearest to me.. today was supposed to be a happy day, but somehow they ended up with tears.. well, me excluded, but i did get quite a shocker.. people i've known for a really long time become complete strangers in the blink of an eye.. they did things i wouldn't even have the slightest idea they're capable of doing.. what is happening to the world? even the nicest people have become big bad wolves, who's to say the bad people haven't become worse?

my mouth has always been quicker than my mind, but even i would think a zillion times before actually hurting anyone.. well, if my words hurt them, than good, because that was my intention after all..heh. but even then, i'd be burden with guilt afterwards.. i wonder why? i'm not that good a person..

i used to think that feeling nothing is much better than feeling sad, or hurt.. but of course, being happy, genuinely happy, is always the best.. i build walls around me so that i would be safe and sound inside.. who would have known, even watching the people close to me being hurt, not being able to do anything to protect or even help them, felt like there's a hammer repeatedly knocking on my stony heart.. the stony bit is slowly crumbling down, making the soft fragile part more and more visible.. the one i've been trying so desperately to protect all these while.. because in addition to being soft and fragile, the one thing i hate about it is its tendency to absorb other people's emotion, especially the sad ones.. and that's not like me at all.. i'm the bright and shiny happy girl, not the quiet and dark loner.. i can't and won't shut these people out of my life, of course.. because they need me, and they've always been there when i needed them.. so i'm gonna have to learn to stop letting all these things overwhelm me.. because if i'm being honest, i actually have nothing to complain about.. okay, maybe one thing, i still have a lot of studying to do..

one good thing is that my nightmare has stop bothering me, for once i had a good night sleep, and a long noon nap..heh. who knows, the solution was just to find the angel from that nightmare.. and this time, instead of burying them in the deepest darkest place i could find, i decided to tie them to a really heavy anchor and throw them in the deep sea.. hoping that the sea monster would swallow them or the creatures of the dark would build a city around them, i don't care.. as long as they never resurface..

maybe i am a nice person after all.. i care about the people dearest to me, maybe a tad too much..

to mama & umi, happy mothers' day! i love you so much, and i can't wait to go home.. :)

sick strange darkness.

2011-05-07T11:28:00.004+08:00

good night sleep hasn't visited me in quite some time now.. instead it has been replaced by one of the oldest nightmares.. i had them buried in the deepest darkest place years ago.. i even threw away the keys so i won't be able to open it up again.. maybe recent occurrences reminded me of them.. a long long time ago, it used to be something that always put a smile on my face, and helped me sleep like a baby.. but now, it's just a mistake that i'm hoping i would never ever make again.. i was so young, and stupid.. i should have known better, but i didn't.. i thought i was living in a fairytale, which turned out to be just a dream which is never gonna come true.. luckily, the angel from that nightmare has lost it's angelic appeal.. and the shadow from that darkness never appear in the real life.. well, even if they do, i've learned my lesson.. i'm not that little girl anymore, and i've gained enough strength to turn away should i ever need to..

i pray that Allah grant me strength and faith to move forward..

i did it again.

2011-05-05T22:17:00.004+08:00

somehow i always find myself making the same mistakes i did before.. no matter what i do, i can't seem to turn the table around and change that.. or maybe i just didn't try hard enough.. i don't even find comfort in doing my usual comfort ritual.. i think i flunk my exam.. so stupid of me. the last exam before the big exam and it still went horribly wrong.. ironically, i'm so numb that i'm not as depressed as i should really be..

i believe that sometimes we have to prioritize ourselves, especially to protect us from being hurt.. but i'm beginning to question my own principle because i think i'm on the verge of joining the group of people that i've always hated.. blergh. i haven't been a good daughter or a good friend lately.. i pulled myself away from them, and i've missed a lot of things because i was too engrossed with my life.. can't say i studied too hard because i didn't.. i'm just grateful that they understood it and they've always accepted me right back in when i return to the real world..

i find comfort in being alone, because i can keep silent for however long i like.. i'm not even a big fan of texting.. saye memang batu. i've forgotten this part of me for way too long.. i'm glad i found it back, cause i kinda like it..

we are who we are..

2011-04-24T23:11:00.002+08:00

we complex human beings have important elements from both nature and also nurture.. but more importantly, as responsible adults, we are who we are because we choose to.. we chose this path, we chose to be this person.. everything in our life today was our very own decision, every step of the way.. of course we had a little help along the way, especially from our loved ones.. and we made mistakes every once in a while, because that's how we learn.. from making our own mistakes, and also from observing other people's mistakes..

we may perceived some people as weird just because they're a little bit different than we are.. when the actual fact is that we have no idea what they have been through, what makes them the way they are.. people use all sorts of defense mechanism to make them seem stronger than they really are.. you put that mask long enough, and it will become your true face.. build wall tall and thick enough, and you'll succeed at saving yourself from being hurt by other people, only to be left all alone..

and one day, when you're on the top of the world, never ever forget the people who have always been right beside you, through all your ups and downs.. because one of the things that hurts the most is to be treated like rubbish by the person you have always supported all these while..

hop away froggie..

2011-04-17T23:28:00.006+08:00

wedding bells are ringing everywhere.. and i'm seriously thinking of drawing a big chart to schedule every wedding, just to make sure i don't miss any.. important ones, at least.. okay, maybe i'll make one, after the exams.. ;P we're coordinating theme colours, with the hope that we'll be highlighted as the gang.. lame? i know, but i like it! weeee~ :D

honestly, if people could just accept it when i say i'm no where ready to join the club, then my life would be so much easier.. i like where i'm standing. and i don't want to risk making the same mistakes.
they said sometimes we have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding our prince.. i say, don't kiss any.. anyway, it's not the frogs that matters, it's when we finally realize that we made these mistakes.. we picked the wrong ones, we wasted time chasing them, trying to kiss them, holding on to them while helplessly hoping that they'll turn into a handsome prince, and then we beat ourselves up when they turn out to be no more than the ugly frogs that we picked up.. it doesn't really matter how many times we repeat this vicious cycle, what matters most is how much we learned each time we end it..

i don't have that much experience anyway, but i do know this much, we tend to really lose ourselves when we think we're in love.. we put too much effort in the relationship, and we lost bits of ourselves while doing that.. we'll be so blinded that even if every single person in the world told us that we're making a mistake, we simply wouldn't listen.. the universe could have given us every signals possible, but until we decide to open our eyes, we really wouldn't see any of them.. sure, we can hide those problems, or even deny they were there in the first place.. but at one point, even the closet will burst, and every skeletons in it would be thrown at our face..

i guess what i'm trying to say is that, it is okay to not be committed, even at our age.. when the right time comes, hopefully the right one will appear and all will be well..trust me, at this point, even i am beginning to lose faith.. but please don't make the mistake of settling with less than what you deserve.. it's not love if you're hurting more than you're happy.. even if it is love, well then that love is just not enough.. they said love conquers all.. that may be so, but in the real world there are so many things to be considered as well..

you're a wonderful person, and you deserve better.. yes you do.

and someday, when my wedding bell finally rings, i will invite you.. just you wait.. ;P

counting stars..

2011-04-15T23:07:00.007+08:00

as i lay on my bed counting imaginary stars, i started seeing fireflies.. they said too much of something is not good.. in my case, i'm having too much of both extremes, all at the same time.. i don't even know how is it possible, but i can't sleep, yet i sleep too much.. i know, i'm not making any sense.. the pain has set all the buttons wrong.. but hey, i'm not complaining.. at least i get to get a break from the real world for a little while, for what it's worth.. mama has started her dr.ravi rant again, but i'm not sure i want to go visit him any time soon.. maybe after the exams..

dear bloggie,
thank you for being the only place i could rant.. you're the main reason i could face the world with a smile, instead of a sourpuss.. yeah, sometimes i exaggerate things for a little bit, cause it's fun! heee.
my life is wonderful, and i love it! i'm going out of my cave tomorrow, i can't keep them worrying anymore..

we can never satisfy everyone..

2011-04-11T20:20:00.002+08:00

so why even bother trying?

we walk on our own path of life.. we choose which way we are going to go.. okay, we might ask for other people's opinion before deciding.. but in reality, we already know which way we are going to choose.. we just need others' opinion to reaffirm our choice, or to justify the ones that we rejected.. or something to that effect..

we know the people who really mattered in our life.. and yet we waste our time trying to satisfy the ones who never even give a damn about us.. why? because these jerks are the ones with big mouths who are going to poke their ugly noses where they're not supposed to, and then litter them with annoying, and not at all constructive comments.. the way i see it, if they really care, we would know, in a good way..

our destructive behaviour has taken a halt these days.. maybe because kak nurul is happy, and as for me, i guess the 'problem' has taken care of itself.. my only regret is not listening to ikram earlier.. oh well, mistakes are made to be learned from.. someday i'll look back and laugh at how silly i was.. maybe my friends know me better than i know myself? hmmm. maybe not.. ;P

more to learn and love?

2011-04-06T20:41:00.001+08:00

how long does it take to learn every single thing about someone? when can we actually say that we really know a person? i mean, we've known our parents and siblings our whole life, but do we really know them inside out? i've known yana for as long as i could remember, but i wouldn't say we know everything about each other.. i guess i could say that my close friends know a lot of things about me, yet they still haven't put a foot on the no man's land.. so back to my question.. how long does it really take to safely say that we know a person pretty well?

maybe that's the beauty of relationships.. we can never know everything about a person, so we'll always have more to learn and love.. that's when we know who our true friends are, the ones who know how stupidly we can behave but they still stuck by our side.. they will be there when we need icecream for a pick-me-up, and they will still be there to stop us when we've eaten too much icecream, or spilled most of it on our clothes..

even in life, we can never know everything.. sometimes we only find something out when we're actually ready for it.. but of course, in terms of the coming exam, we need to know as much as we can.. and i still have a loooong way towards that goal..

world behind my wall..

2011-04-04T01:07:00.003+08:00

sometimes i wish the world would stop spinning just for a while.. especially now that the day is creeping nearer and nearer, less than 50 days now.. somehow i have this false impression that if the world could be static for a moment, i wouldn't have so many things bugging me.. then maybe, just maybe, i could really focus on my study.. alas, the world is not mine to play or pause as i like.. and life is certainly not something so easy to be tempered with.. whatever happens, life goes on.. the world most certainly does not wait for me to get back on my feet.. with as much practice as i seem to have, i still find it difficult to shut myself out from everything else when it's time to focus.. i'm quite good at shutting people out though.. silent treatment comes naturally to me these days..

but all these additional things are the secret ingredients of life, isn't it? they give life some flavours, and colours.. without them, life would be just.. bland.. and plain boring.. the thing is, my mind works in a pretty stupid way.. i make a big deal of something simple, but i tend to ignore the bigger threat.. sometimes i worry about a 'problem' that doesn't even exist.. i over think about some things, then i beat myself up for not being able to solve them.. i build a wall to protect myself from the world.. i think the view from the window of my tower is good enough, at least for now..

somewhere over the rainbow..~

2011-03-31T22:37:00.002+08:00

skies are blue.. and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true..~

you know what they always say.. we only appreciate something even more when we've experienced the complete opposite of it.. i was sinking, and falling deeper and deeper.... and i've been lying at the bottom of the pit for a while, until my body finally gave up.. my whole body aches, my mind exhausted, and my heart was crying its soul out.. all these are making my body weak.. i get sick very easily now.. huuu. but now that i'm in recovery phase, i feel a lot better.. i can smile again, without faking it.. i can eat, and really taste what i'm eating.. i can sleep, without being afraid of getting the same nightmare again and again.. and more importantly, i can be myself again.. without hating the person i am..

i'm trying..

2011-03-29T14:09:00.002+08:00

i tried so hard, but it doesn't get me very far.. i still failed.. i'm so tired of being tired all the time.. my pool is so dry i have to practically collect the rainwater just so i won't die.. i feel like i'm seeing walls and dead ends all around me.. i'm scared, but i don't have the energy to break all these walls anymore.. why isn't there a door to open so i could be on the other side right now? i feel like i don't know who i am anymore.. it's like i exist merely as a shadow walking under the sun and then get drenched in the rain.. i don't like who i've become..

we're one..but we're not the same..

2011-03-18T22:28:00.002+08:00

we get to carry each other, carry each other..~

sometimes we do not realize that we're not the only ones fighting this battle.. we're not alone.. there are a lot of people around us fighting the same battle, regardless what mask they are wearing.. that's just the thing.. the person standing beside us may be on the verge of breaking down but we may never know.. we put on brave and happy face every single day, because that helps us get through the day..

we can almost see the end of the road, maybe.. but this is the crucial time to take good care of ourselves, especially our mental health.. we're all immortal beings after all, we're not fueled by eveready battery.. so once in a while, step back and relax.. enjoy a cone of icecream or a slice of cheesecake.. spend some time with people that can make you laugh, just so that we have that endorphin in our bloodstream.. and don't hesitate to hold out your hand to people who might need your help, even though they may not say anything..

we may not be superhuman, but we all have that strength that we need.. so have faith in ourselves, and pray to Him.. :)

every heartache makes you stronger..~

2011-03-13T22:52:00.002+08:00

it's very easy to be so lost in our world that we forgot about everything else.. we forgot things that really matter.. and somehow we fail to register that our little problems that we whine non-stop about is nothing compared to some people's lives.. maybe we're damaged from watching too much tv dramas and movies.. maybe our reality testing is a little bit off.. we know that life is not a fairytale, but somehow we pretend that it is, and we hope that it will end with a happily ever after.. when in actual fact, we know that the ever after is what we should really be working on and be prepared for.. a lot of things are happening right now, in the real world and also in our own world.. He is giving us reminders because we forget, and we keep on forgetting.. He is testing us because we ourselves do not know how strong we are, or how weak we are.. He takes things away from us because we weren't grateful and we didn't appreciate them before.. maybe we're lucky because we weren't hit by the tsunami.. but that shouldn't make us complacent, because we don't know what might happen in the future..

so let's find the strength to rise above all this.. and pray to Allah that we will always stay on the right path..

one by one..

2011-03-12T12:03:00.005+08:00

everyone seems to be in the mode of jumping pace, and i have a long way to go before i will finally be on the same page with them.. fatin and ikram got engaged on 6th March 2011.. these 2 are among the childish people i've seen, and they're getting married soon.. how awesome is that! :D i pray that they will continue making each other as happy as they make me.. heee. i know i said they're childish, but sometimes when we hang out together, they act like our parents.. anyway, they're really great together.. and i can't imagine one without the other..

fatin is really one of the nicest girl i've had the privilege of being friends with.. she always has something nice to say, especially when i'm losing my mind.. and when ikram is also in the picture, it's just more fun.. :) i hope when they get married, they'll find a nice house which is still in our kampung, so that i can go visit them anytime i like.. and i can torture they little people.. ;P not that i'm a stranger in fatin's house now..hehe~ fatin's parents, especially her ibu, always make me feel at home there.. and i like it cause she's a great cook.. heee.

darah manis.. ;P

my bestfriend's wedding..

2011-03-11T10:56:00.003+08:00

qil got married to her chosen one, wan, on 5th March 2011.. they've been together since matrics.. and i've seen them through their ups and downs, they make a strong couple and they look good together.. i wish them eternal happiness together, and may they be blessed with pretty children soon.. :)

looking at qil on her wedding day, i can't believe that she's now a married lady.. she's a very nice person and a great friend, indeed.. but sometimes, she can be clumsy and she can make you laugh until your stomach almost burst! well, at least, she has that effect on me.. heee. qil has been our caretaker since God knows when.. she's the one who's always cooking something whenever jut gets hungry, which she always does! and you can bet, qil will always be there to support you no matter what.. i love u, qils.. and i hope things won't change that much now that you're married..

we went to kluang and was treated like family, by her family.. it's really easy to see where she gets her fine qualities from.. she looks like a barbie doll on her wedding day.. and she looks sooo happy and blessed.. my dear qil is now a married lady.. :)

here's some of my favourite shots.. :)

to qils,
you're better than the best, i'm lucky just to linger in your light..
you make me smile like the sun.. :D

mummy look,i can fly..~

2011-03-10T23:51:00.003+08:00

once, when yani was only 4 or 5 years old, he made some sort of stunt to show mama that he can fly.. well, sort of.. what really happened was, he jumped and bounced on the couch and then landed, head first, on the floor.. we still teased him about that silly act.. ahh why do my baby brother has to grow up and become a rebellious/spoiled brat? i miss those days when he would come running into my arms every time he saw me.. i miss how he would always reward me with big hug and big kisses whenever i gave him what he wanted.. i miss our evening strolls and playtime at the playground.. i miss my sweet chubby naughty ah-mok! :'(

i have to admit that most of the times, i don't act my own age.. i like to blame in on the people i'm with, because they change my level of maturity.. i'm a lot sillier when i'm with the crazy people close to me.. so blame it on them please.. ;P

i know i'm the eldest in my siblings, but i act like a little girl at home.. heee. part of it is because they treat me that way.. i think.. ;p i still ask mama to wake me up early if i have something to do in the morning.. i make her go with me whenever i have something important to do.. i force her to stay up with me when i have work to do, or even to watch a late night tv show.. i demand her to cook my favourite food and stock up piles of junkfood for my big stomach when i go home.. i woke her up at night when there are fireworks or sometimes when i have nightmares.. we would stay up watching tv with a bowl of icecream or a big bar of chocolate.. i used to make her skip class to hang out with me.. i call her when i have the need to just rant.. i text her all day long, especially when i'm bored.. okay, now i know why people always say that i'm the manja type.. haha~ i'm not that manja actually, i'm just very close to her, if that make any difference.. ;P and i know, lots of us girls are like this too right? ;P

dear mama and ayah, your little girl is not so little anymore.. i went to the spa interview today.. but i'd like to stay the same way in your eyes if i may do so.. :)

oh daddy..

2011-03-08T22:54:00.004+08:00

when he first texted me, my immediate thought was something bad happened, and we rushed him to the hospital.. the final diagnosis was peptic ulcer disease, and not acute myocardial infarction, as i was so afraid of.. knowing ayah, he wouldn't be so willing to seek medical attention unless he thought it was something really bad.. which is also one of the reason why i thought of the worst in the first place.. anyway, he has finally come home after 2 nights stay in ampang puteri hospital.. and i can finally go back to kuantan with some peace in mind tomorrow..

i know, we're not that close.. but his blood doesn't need to run in mine for me to know that he loves me as much as i love him.. looking at him when he was so weak and helpless, and worried of what was happening to him, it kills me.. i feel like hugging him and rocking him back and forth while telling him that everything's gonna be alright, but i can't.. i have to be strong, because everyone needs me to be strong.. if i break down now, it will be worse for them.. and we can't have that..

i was supposed to help mama with the kids and the house chores while she was taking care of ayah in the hospital.. instead, i was down with fever and diarrhea.. and it kills me, when mama had to come home to take care of the kids because i was really weak.. i couldn't do anything.. it sucks. i suck.

and now that i'm a lot better, ayah is home and already fixing the air-cond after being home for 10 minutes, and mama is asleep, this finally feels like home.. i'm home..

there's nothing i can do..

2011-03-02T12:06:00.002+08:00

a total eclipse of the heart..~

i think i flunk my exam.. it was so bad that i couldn't even manage to shed a tear because i was so mad at myself.. how did i manage to do everything wrong.. it was one chance that i couldn't afford to blow, but i blew it..

maybe i'm still not feeling better because i haven't gone home yet.. i don't know.. i can't even go out and do something stupid because everyone else is having their exam today, not that i have the mood either..

i know we're supposed to learn from mistakes.. but this is one mistake that i really couldn't afford to do.. urgh. i'm so stupid! i hope and i pray that they won't fail me..

true colours..

2011-02-19T07:55:00.005+08:00

are beautiful like a rainbow..~

we're all amazing just the way we are.. so never let what other people say about us make us feel bad about ourselves.. sometimes, we care too much about what other people said or would say about us.. we can never satisfy everyone, so why even bother trying? whatever it is, i believe we're all matured enough to think of what's good and what's not.. we're all 'wise' enough to make the right, or at least, the best decision, that we could.. so do not let what other people say cloud our judgement.. even when we have the least faith in ourselves, we can always lean on somebody else.. our family and our friends.. the good ones would never judge us, and they'll always be there for us.. to help us go through whatever it is we're facing.. or at least, to be the one who understands us the most.. oh i'm sure at this age, we can already tell which of them are the really good ones.. :)

i used to be good at being there for my friends.. i used to seem to have the right thing to say at the right moment.. i used to be the kind of friend who's fun to be with, and also reliable when they needed me.. i used to be a good person.. but i don't think i am anymore.. *sigh*
these days, i'm not that bright and cheerful like i'm used to.. i crack stupid jokes that are not even funny and i always seem to say the wrong thing at all the wrong moment.. i ignore people when i don't feel like talking, or simply when i don't really like what they're saying.. heck, sometimes, i ignore people just because i don't like them, and i have no energy to maintain the neutral atmosphere..

i haven't talk or keep in touch with most of my friends.. just because, 'i have no time'.. it kills me when i can't go and meet them in reunions, especially when i can't make it to their weddings.. until now, i've only managed to go to weddings of those who are really close to me.. put it simply, those who would kill me if i don't show up.. ;P
it's okay though.. because best friends are those whom we haven't seen or talk to in a really long time, but when we finally do, it's like all the distance were never there.. and until now, we never have difficulties in doing just that.. :)

i used to love spending long hours reading good books for light reading.. i could finish one book in one night.. but now, i've been reading Brisingr since raya, and i haven't even finish half the book.. i can't even remember the last time i touched it.. blergh.
i used to spend long hours talking to mama or bffs.. but now, all i could manage was texting them whenever i could.. and that's not nearly good enough.. mama get cranky when i'm a bit quiet..

i don't know whether all these are just the age is keeping up with me, or just my true colours finally showing up.. fine, whatever it is.. i'll just roll with it.. ;)

you can't always get what you want..~

2011-02-16T11:48:00.003+08:00

but if you try sometimes.. well, you just might find you get what you need..~

sure, we want a lot of things in our life.. and half the time, heck, most of the times, we can't get them.. for a lot of reasons.. and somehow the not-getting it pulls us lower down than the simple fact that the thing is not meant for us, at least for now.. then we flunk so deep, we fail to realize that we have so many other things going on in our life.. so many great things, in fact..

stressed out with studies.. homesick.. look and weight problem.. relationship problems..
yeah. been there, again and again.. but then, aren't these things what make our life a bit less dull? look around us.. we have family who love us for who we are.. friends who will always be there, no matter what.. a fun and mysterious life, full of the unknowns.. and a bright future, no matter what colour we choose to paint it.. so what is there to whine about? ;P be grateful for what we have.. for they're all that we need..

sometimes in our life, we all have pain, we all have sorrow..
but, if we are wise.. we know that there's always tomorrow..~

who wants pizza?? ;P click HERE!

sometimes i feel my heart will overflow..~

2011-02-12T02:06:00.003+08:00

singers with really really good voices give me goosebumps and sometimes chills when i'm listening to them with an open heart.. and some songs really touched that deep place in my soul that sometimes i forgot i have.. so i keep playing these songs in my mind again and again.. then i have trouble getting them off my mind..

i'm one of the few people who somehow managed to get her eyes filled with tears from an emotional scene, even in an animation movie.. i thought it was normal for a girl.. well, apparently it's not.. how can you not cry watching finding nemo?? how come? huuu. no wonder the 3 stooges always make fun of me about it..
maybe there's something wrong with my lacrimal duct.. even laughing until my stomach hurts so bad will bring tears in my eyes..

i know sometimes i seem a bit too happy.. of course i am.. why wouldn't i be.. my life is wonderful.. but sometimes, i think it's just one of my many defense mechanism.. and i'm pretty good at using it, no? :P some days i feel so down it's really hard to even get out of bed.. but what can i do.. playing truancy is not an option.. so yeah, i just wear my mask and then go out.. i really hate to let other people see my sad face.. not to mention them asking what's wrong with me.. it's okay when they're the people close to me.. but when the people i don't really like start poking their ugly noses in my messed up life, i feel like pinching their nose until they cry.. blergh.

the wicked cycle..

2011-02-06T00:03:00.002+08:00

where there's a beginning, there's always an end.. or if we choose to see it in a better light, where there's an end, there's always a new beginning.. i keep repeating this to myself, things always happen for a reason.. because i need to constantly reaffirm my faith, as i find myself falling in a hole or running into a web ever so often nowadays.. ifa told me that it's a normal experience as a final year student.. well, i don't know about that.. but i do hope she's right..

when a door closes, a few more open.. life is not about making one right choice.. it's a series of events.. all the choices that we make are going to determine the person we're going to turn into, someday.. sometimes, it's okay to make mistakes.. otherwise, how else are we going to learn.. even in medicine, textbooks alone are never enough.. life is a wee bit like that.. we have to go out there, and learn.. plus, if we don't take chances, we're going to beat ourselves up in a couple of years later with the ultimate "what-if" questions.. of course, some of these "chances" seem so scary, you'd wish you never ever dreamed about it in the first place.. but that's just how life is.. anyway, life is too short to be wondering about the unknown (for too long).. sometimes in life, it's fun (and frustrating at the same time) not knowing, isn't it?

one of the best thing about having a big family is that, when one disappoints you, the other one would be there to pull you up.. yes, papa didn't show up (though he did promise he would), but mama stopped by and we all had 'makan besar' tonight.. :)

bendulku dilangkah..

2011-02-03T22:40:00.004+08:00

i knew this day would come..and i prepared myself for it, mentally and physically.. or so, i thought.. well, what do you know.. i still couldn't handle it.. all the anticipated drama and the hurt came visiting me in a flash.. at that moment, i knew why papa didn't come.. he must have been anticipating the same thing, and decided against it.. i wish i could do the same thing.. but saying no has never been easy for me, especially when it comes to family.. for once, i'm glad my time hasn't come yet.. for i'm not sure if i'm ready to face all the drama (again).. i hope when the right time comes, that person would be the shoulder i could lean on to.. for i'm going to need all the strength and courage i could muster.. it's not going to be easy.. but it's something i may have to do..

when all that drama has settled.. the usual thing came clouding my mind.. the same repeated question.. and i start to wonder, whether i'm good enough.. or rather, am i that bad? i don't get it.. blergh..~
and it doesn't help either when everyone keep asking when will my turn come.. even Ki did so.. oh Ki, please pray for me...
okay, i better stop worrying about it.. or i'll get all messed up again.. let's just pray that when the right time comes, i'll be ready.. :)

my appetite seems to be picking up at a really fast pace.. everyone keep asking me "ni dah berapa round makan ni?" .... muahaha~ maybe i should change my defense mechanism.. from eating to... okay, to be determined later.. :P

in our hearts a hopeful song..

2011-01-27T23:13:00.002+08:00

...we barely understood...~~

Q: what happened?
A: what always happened.. LIFE....~

sometimes life feels like a dream.. and we're all only dreaming, be it a sweet dream or a nightmare.. in this case, it's the perfect nightmare.. i don't even know whether i want to stay in the dream or just wake up..

fate always has its own twist.. just when we thought we've got everything all figured out, things change, and we discover something new.. then confusion sets in and that's when everything starts to get all messed up.. trying to sort everything out is never half as easy as we thought it would be, and that makes it even more frustrating..

the truth is.. our 'best-laid' plans may meet an obstacle at any time.. and when that happens, we have to stay positive and work harder.. and never give up.. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be..
hopefully, somehow, we'll learn the most important lesson.. that Allah always, always knows what's best for us.. and don't forget, He never tests us beyond our strength and capability..

there can be miracles, when you believe
though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
who knows what miracles you can achieve
when you believe, somehow you will
you will when you believe..~~

p/s: it's time to be a big girl now..

the problem with time..

2011-01-26T19:49:00.003+08:00

....i've learned.. is that eventually, time always runs out...

my biggest mistake was taking things for granted.. i took the friendship for granted, unintentionally of course, because i like having you by my side.. i was too comfortable to even think of trying to change it.. and i was too messed up to try and sort things out..
when i finally picked up the courage to leave my past, i was already too damaged.. i was even more messed up than i was before.. i needed more time to clear up the mess i didn't realize i've built, i needed time to figure myself out.. and i needed time to get rid of the fear that had successfully creep into my mind...

too long, too late.. who was i to make you wait..

i've made a lot of mistakes in the past, and i may have hurt you without even realizing it.. my ignorance blinded me from seeing that you cared enough.. i never picked up the courage to say anything because i know that i'm not good enough.. my words were cold and flat, and you deserve more than that.. i thought i did the right thing by encouraging you, because i'm happy when you are..

so this is me signing off.. i wish you a lifetime of happiness wherever you may be.. i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.. thank you for being a great friend..

p/s: i hope you never read this.. because i've done enough damage as it is..

perhaps...

2011-01-25T22:10:00.002+08:00

too many hands to hold, too many hearts to hug..

now i'm torn between things i'm not even sure of.. sometimes, i think not knowing is better..
i know i made a lot of mistakes in the past.. and i can't turn back time to correct them.. i'm not even sure if i regret them or not.. well okay, maybe i do regret some of them.. but then, things always happen for a reason, no? i'm trying to keep things in perspective.. i've been so drowned in my own emotion for the past couple of days, and i'm so tired..
i'm tired of being left behind, while everybody is moving forward at fast speed..
i'm tired of wondering if i'm not good enough.. and i'm so tired of being sloppy second..
i'm tired of being afraid.. and not even knowing what i'm afraid of..

most importantly, i'm so tired of this moody and lazy girl.. i miss the old, happy me..
i hope i made the right decision.. and... i'm still waiting...

good company = good mood

2011-01-16T11:11:00.002+08:00

especially when they come in package with good food! :D

i'm surely going to miss all the laughter and jokes we shared together once we start working.. and we're going to be so stressed out with work and being scolded all the time.. and we may break down and cry once in a while.. but i'll always be glad, for i have such great memories to be cherished, to make me feel better whenever i'm down.. i'm glad i have really great friends all around me.. :)

i'm sticking to my decision.. to just wait for the right one to come.. imperfect as i am, i don't expect that person to be a perfect one.. and as ayah said, don't waste time chasing after tadpoles or frogs.. or even dream of kissing one.. :P
then again, i may feel this way because i haven't met the one.. when i do, i may chase him round and round the pond, no matter how ugly he is.. ahaha~ i can't even stand the image.. so stupid! :P

will i still be as happy as i am now when i get older and older? hmmm.

the start of something new~

2011-01-10T14:20:00.003+08:00

my first post in 2011, also my first day in paediatrics posting.. we'll be starting something today, no, pardon me.. they have started earlier, only i'll be joining today.. hope everything goes well and everyone will succeed with flying colours..

holiday was really great.. had a great time at singapore.. the whole family successfully became children again at the universal studio.. mama even ride one of the children's ride.. heee.
even the rain and the million other visitors couldn't stop our adrenaline rush.. boohoo~
and my favourite part is, without a doubt, the far far away land.. and we got to meet shrek! weehoo~ i love you shrek! :D
ayah arrived on our third day there.. no surprise there.. :P i knew he won't be able to stay home alone for a long time..

from the south, my journey continues to the north.. went to perlis to settle something as a good sister i always am.. :P
spent a great night at alang's house where we talked non-stop for almost 24 hours.. except for the time when che pipah did that thing of course..muahaha~ :P
hanging out with my lalings always brings out that side of me.. that fun side of me that i tend to forgot easily.. especially when i'm swamped with work, and drowned in my own emotion.. ah, the quarter-life crisis..

we used to have lots of fun together, once upon a time, when we were young and dangerous.. we grew up together.. we shared laughter and tears, we shared our hopes and dreams together.. the bond forged from the 5 years we spent together is like we're truly sisters.. no matter how long we haven't seen each other, or haven't been in touch, once we're together, it will be just like old times.. and i love that about us..
i miss my havoc lalings.. i wish we could always be together, just like old times..
i love you guys! you're the bestest best friends i ever had..

the new year means the professional exam is really just around the corner.. and my studies hasn't picked up since the time i left it.. so yeah, my new year resolution would be to study harder.. and enjoy life to the fullest, like i always do.. :)
i'm sorry ayah, but you need to wait for that thing i know you really wanted.. you do know that i'm still young right? :P

i'm afraid..

2010-12-19T15:36:00.002+08:00

i'm afraid of a lot of things..
afraid of the unknown.. afraid to jump into something of unknown consequences.. afraid that i'm not well prepared.. afraid that i am simply not ready.. afraid that after all the time spent, and all the preparation made, i meet a dead end.. afraid of failure, or perceived as one.. afraid that i'm not good enough.. afraid that everything i know is all just a lie or cover up.. afraid that my secured and happy life will not have a happy ending..
i am afraid...

there's a game called circle and i don't know how
i'm way too up to back down
but i think i'm still tryna figure this crap out
thought i had it mapped out but guess i didn't
this f*cking black cloud still follows me around
but it's time to exercise these demons
these m*therf*ckers are doing jumping jacks now..

i'm not afraid to take a stand
everybody come take my hand
we'll walk this road together through this storm
whatever weather, cold or warm
just let you know that you're not alone
holla if you feel that you've been down the same road..~

improvise.

2010-12-14T23:07:00.002+08:00

i love my girls.. always have, and always will.. for the past few months, i've put some distance between us, intentionally.. i did it to protect myself from any kind of hurt.. and also to maintain our friendship, so that it will stay strong without any hard feelings.. we may not be as close as we were once, but i still treasure our friendship deeply..

sometimes i feel overwhelmed when i'm hanging out with them.. maybe because our pace in life is quite different.. i don't have other commitment, as they do..
i stopped keeping in touch because i'm so tired of always being the one who put an effort in doing so.. i stopped making plans because i'm sick of getting answers like "i'm not sure yet.." or "we'll see.." when i know, the real answer is simply "i don't think so.." and i've had enough of all the last minute cancellation of plans or sometimes they simply went missing in action, without even a word..
maybe i'm that insignificant..

ah well.. instead of severing all ties with them, i chose to improvise.. because i love every single one of them dearly, and i can't risk losing any one of them..

it's fun not knowing..

2010-12-10T22:32:00.002+08:00

sometimes, in life, it's fun not knowing.. that way, we don't spoil the surprise.. and when we have no or low expectation, we save ourselves from getting hurt.. sometimes laa..

life is not a fairytale.. it's not as wonderful as what we see in movies.. which is exactly why we love watching those movies so much, isn't it? because somehow they compensate for whatever it is that we feel is missing from our life.. not that i'm complaining about mine.. i have everything i could ever wish for.. and i have wonderful people all around me who love me the way i am.. or at least, they accept me the way i am, imperfect as i may be.. for that, i will be eternally grateful.. :)

things happen for a reason.. for as immortal beings, we have a tendency to forget, and to lose ourselves in God knows what.. so we need constant reminding, and that may be one of the reasons that we are tested so many times in life.. and these tests will make us stronger..

behind every smile, there may be a tear or two.. or in my case, every laughter will be followed closely with a stream of tears.. hihi~ :P

a year older and hopefully, a year wiser..

2010-12-09T23:12:00.002+08:00

today has been a wonderful day for me.. i received a lot of warm wishes, and i was deeply touched with them.. i am grateful to be surrounded by great friends, regardless of how far away they are from me.. we're actually only a phone call away.. :)
so yeah.. a year older.. i'm hoping that i will be more wise and mature in my future decisions and also become a better person in every aspects of life.. frankly i don't feel much different from how i felt yesterday.. ah well, maybe the idea of being older hasn't quite settled in yet.. :P

despite having a tiring day, and my case write up is yet to be finished, i feel great.. maybe this is a good sign after all.. :D
people wished good things for me, and i'm wishing the same great things for them too.. i pray that our prayers will be answered and our dreams will come true..

p/s: i think i have a crush on flynn rider, the hero on Rapunzel..muahaha~ :P

untitled.

2010-12-05T22:49:00.002+08:00

it's been quite a good year.. a lot of things happened, good ones and also not so good ones.. and i'm still standing here, on the path that i chose a year ago.. the journey alone wasn't that bad after all.. the side view gets better each day.. and life has a way of throwing pleasant surprises every now and then.. not forgetting my guardian angels who were always there to help me get through with a smile on my face.. :)
i still believe i did the right thing, and i have no regret whatsoever.. rough weather came once in a while, but i sailed through quite well by myself.. i think.. :P tabah jugak aku ni rupenye..haha

i don't usually talk about this.. but i feel like i should let it all out.. and then maybe the crazy monsoons won't disturb me anymore..
i learn a lot from this 'new' path.. i learn, and i accept that i made a lot of mistakes, and i have somehow lost myself in the 'old' path.. i realized now that we actually met a dead end a long time ago..but none of us realized that.. we were so wrapped up in the idea that we should end with a sacred bond because our journey has been a rather long one.. it wasn't entirely unacceptable, of course..but in actual fact, it has actually run its course, and a lot of things happened that should have given us a clue that we were not walking on the same path anymore..we've changed.. i've changed.. i'm not exactly the same girl i was 8 years ago..
there's no one to blame for what happened.. things just did not go the way we wanted it to.. for better or for worse, one can judge according to one's own perception..

i'm comfortable where i am now.. and i'm happy.. that's all i can say, at least for now.. :)

so what's next?

2010-11-28T14:08:00.002+08:00

as in, life after MBBS..
as dr.AA has rightfully mentioned.. "why do you have to worry about life after MBBS? this is your life now.." (referring to MBBS) .... well said dr..
but the career talk yesterday did fueled me up with hope and motivation.. i especially love what dr.S said.. "it CAN be done!"
everything can be done..so we must never lose hope..and most importantly, never say never..

"what is life without sacrifices.." (mr.A)
we have sacrificed a lot of things to be here now,haven't we? so we have to make all these sacrifices worth it..

with regards to the family issue, i have to agree with both dr.S.. "don't worry..when the right time come, you'll meet the right one for you.." but dr.S really cracked me up when she said "80%.." with a wicked but sweet smile.. :P
so yeah..despite the fact that everyone is either getting engaged, getting married or is expecting a baby..i'm just going to wait for my right time to come.. and i'm happy for them,i am.. :)

life is going on okay,i guess.. with pleasant surprises every now and then.. and the event of the week really makes me feel like a young teenager again..i haven't been this excited or grinned this wide for a very long time.. :D

but on the downside, i guess i won't be "braces-free" on my graduation or the AGD..pfft.

sacrifice for your family..

2010-11-18T11:17:00.002+08:00

NEVER sacrifice them..

salam aidil adha dear friends.. :)

now is a very good time to remember all the sacrifices that have been made in the name of Islam.. and while we're doing that, there's no harm in remembering the sacrifices that our family have made for us..so that we're able to stand here today,with pride if i might add.. we tend to overlook these things because we might think that it really is their place to sacrifice for us,because they are our family..indeed,that might true.. but then,it really is our place to be grateful to them,and to appreciate everything they have done for us..

mama is a real expert in giving a hint that she wants me to come home,without being too obvious..something that papa or ayah has never mastered.. :P
she would let me think that it is okay for me not to come home..but then, at the very last minute,i would give up and come home anyway,because i couldn't stand the building tension and guilt, that she cleverly slipped bit-by-bit through our daily conversation.. and i love that about her.. :)

we had a little conversation on what i should do when i've started working..i asked her,how much money did she think i should give to them..and she laughed her heart out..she even called ayah and told him,then both of them laughed so loudly,that i literally feel myself shrinking between them..
then she said something that deeply touches my heart.. 'we don't really want your money kakak..we don't mind how much you give us..we just want to feel what it's like when our child gives her hard-earn money to us..' and that did it..

i vow to myself,never again would i make them suffer because of me..
i would come home if mama wants me to,even though that would mean me abandoning my books for a while..because what use is all the time spent on studying if we can't even make our parents happy?
and once i started working,i would never again ask them for money.. we should be easing their life, not making it harder for them..especially when they are old..

i don't want to be a selfish daughter anymore..
when i think back of my younger days..when i used to come home,but then i go out with my friends..and when i come home,my parents would sulk at me for not spending time with them..i feel so ashamed with myself..never did i try to understand what they really feel..ahh. the stupid young heart.. i'm glad i've grown up a bit.. now,the most important thing to me is my family..

and if you see me texting all the time, that's my mom.. :)

if i had you..

2010-11-13T21:48:00.009+08:00

that would be the only thing i'd ever need..

we say that all the time don't we? but in actual reality, we would never have enough.. somehow we're always hungry for more.. we lust over something we might never have.. and we'd make all kind of excuses that we sort of need that thing when the actual reason is simply that we 'must' have it.. or so we thought.
ironically,when we finally have our hands on that 'mush-have' item, it won't stay as our most precious belonging for long.. sooner or later, we'll have our eyes on something else, and that not-so-new item will be left forgotten.. okay, maybe not literally forgotten, but it will be less appreciated because it's already been replaced..

sometimes,we take too much things for granted..because we have always had it easy.. sorry, maybe i'm over-generalizing.. when i say we,i actually mean myself.. sometimes we don't appreciate things the way we should because we have no idea what it would be like without them.. then one day,when we lost that thing,life suddenly become difficult,and somewhat empty..and we regret not using it as best as we should, and not appreciating it the way it deserved to be..

i had quite a difficult week without my car and my computer.. i'm so used to the easy commute and the option to go anywhere at anytime, so i had a hard time adjusting to being other people's passenger.. and life without internet is..boring.. i can't get my daily dose of bloghopping, and i missed a few juicy gossips from facebook..on top of that,i really miss my alien kechik, as facebook is our main form of contact..my silly brother misplaced his handphone all the time..and when my parents couldn't contact him, they will look for him through me..as if i'm his guardian angel..blergh.

hmm. it's been almost a year..time really flies,huh? quite surprisingly, i'm still alive and i've retained all parts of my body and most importantly, i haven't lost my sense of humour..(read: my silliness)
i still believe i'm walking on the right path,and there's definitely no turning back..after all,the rainbow always come out right?sometimes even before the rain stops.. so always have faith in yourself,and in me too.. :)

p/s: today's program was a huge success..congrats to all the committee,especially the main board..and i had fun joining the colouring contest..haha~ :P

peace of mind..

2010-11-12T10:29:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah...
i can now finally rest in peace..with my heart still beating.. :)
for a while,at least..

few of us get through life without a little help along the way..
i owe many people a lot of thanks and a million more gratitude for always lending me a hand whenever i need it, and also,for simply being there for me..

sometimes when i think back of my past exams,i wonder.. how did i manage to pass? with so many things never been installed in my brain, and my rusty examination techniques..one thing i came to conclude is that the lecturers helped.. a lot. thanks to them, i'm able to stand here today..

as the famous saying goes "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.."
some people didn't really do well in their SPM, but then scored 4 flat in matriculation, and subsequently got to do professional courses for their degree..
some failed their examination a few times, and then got back to their feet and excelled afterwards..
and some, barely pass all the examinations but then excel in their career..
the most important thing is to never give up..

of course,it is always easier said than done..
i don't handle stress well..so i would usually succumb to a low mood and anhedonia for a while, before getting back my spirit and then to go back to living my life..
and i'm thankful that i still have my family, who will never let me blame myself..
and my dearest friends, who never let me be the walking zombie for longer than i should..
and also for silly people that i don't like for silly reasons, because they make my days a little bit more colourful..
so i guess, what i'm trying to say is that..i could never live alone..anywhere on the earth, moon or pluto..

gentlemen,start your engine..

2010-11-09T01:21:00.003+08:00

as what my namesake has rightfully mentioned, the 195 days left until our final professional exam is just like 30 days if we minus everything from nap time,meal time,fooling around,daydreaming and time wasted on doing all the nonsense things that i like to do..sigh.

i don't know why but i think i was much more hardworking during my third year as compared to now..and i seem to become more stupid now than i was then..this is just wrong..isn't my knowledge should have been building up rather than disappearing into thin air?urgh.

okay..now is not the time to lose sanity or to let the emotional luggage to weigh me down..
with the new posting,i hope i can gain back my momentum..i want to work hard and preserve what little left of my dignity..i've tainted my not-so-good name badly enough..

praying for the best..Aminn..

cobaan!

2010-11-07T22:19:00.003+08:00

grr. everything went wrong today.. okay,almost everything..
maybe the fact that i'm back in kuantan makes everything worse than they really are..
sabar mijah..cobaan..
inhale..exhale..
inhale..exhale..

i'm still having nightmare with dr.S in it..is this some sort of a clue that i failed my exam? uwaa. :'(

my short holiday was very fulfilling..mom took us to melaka for a rest & relax trip.. we stayed by the beach and had a great trip to the spa.. and not forgetting 'shop till you drop' ,of course! muahaha~ :P

bed was admitted to hospital selayang with the diagnosis of gallbladder stone..at the age of 24? that is surprising.. she looked so weak and she lost so much weight..the most devastating part is that she had a miscarriage,and on top of that, being apart from melur and her husband..
i pray that she would get better soon.. pity her mother,she was really worried..and sad.. :'(

baby sofea and notty akim had chicken pox..poor sofea,she's only 3 months old and now she's got dots and blots all over her body..huu. she's getting cuter and chubbier though.. geram gile! :P

p/s: if you're still wondering,i'm not mad about the car..benda dah nak jadi, i don't blame anyone.. and it's not that bad either..

reply to chuck.

2010-10-30T14:21:00.003+08:00

dear chuck,

you were right..we do have a choice.. i made a choice once,and i definitely can do it again..after all,i know you think i made the right choice before right? :P

but you were wrong about that other thing..because i do believe that i'm not THAT pathetic..and even if i was ,(maybe just a little) it's just because i'm just a human..and a weak one,at that..and you can forgive me for that,can't you? :P

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm okay now..i'm a lot better,anyway..so i'm just going to go back to my books..and forget all this nonsense..thanks again chuck.. :)

"we're holding on to the pain because that's all we have left..but we don't have to..we have a choice..

-Chuck Bass

letter to juliet..

2010-10-28T22:59:00.002+08:00

dear juliet,

there's a heaviness in my chest that i cannot explain..i am literally, in pain..it felt like someone reached into my hollow chest and ripped out my heart..but there's still a small bit of the heart left in there,and that hurts the most..the bleeding bit..

i thought i have prepared for the worst..but this is entirely different from what i anticipated..

today has been really difficult.. i honestly think that i've been doing quite well for some time now.. but things took a different turn today.. my strength and determination failed me..

the weird thing is i'm not sad.. i don't miss anything.. it's just that the pain is overwhelming.. i can't even breathe right..

this is too much.. i can't even choose the right word to write,so i'm just going to stop now..

monsoon season.again.

2010-10-27T23:11:00.003+08:00

i have a threatening tendency to launch into my very own 'monsoon season' every time exam is approaching..the problem is,i never know when and how to get a better hold of myself..urgh.

you'd think i'd be better than this right,after all these time..yeah i thought so too.. *sigh*

oh no no,fret not..i'm not having an emotional breakdown..not just yet. i'm just embracing myself as a precaution.. i have this stupid anticipatory anxiety that i'm going to break down anytime soon.. i'm not ready for this..why do we have to undergo another round of exam?

and more importantly,why am i distracted by things that are not important to me anymore.. why oh why??

okay,i think i could forgive myself..given that it has been important to me for a long time..i know,i know..it's not anymore.. oh well,please forgive my bitter heart..

Oh blue sands, can you make them all go away?
Oh blue sands, what are you doing in my hair?

Oh blue sands, I don’t want to go up there and pretend
I’m okay..~

enough with the negative comments.

2010-10-23T23:24:00.004+08:00

i live in a community where simple dressing is the way of life..if you deviate even just 1 cm from this 'normality' you'll be perceived as a weird person..and all the negative comments will come raining down on you..until you become so drenched you can't even say anything to justify yourself because you're shivering from the damn cold..

it's the same thing over and over again.. shawl.. coin brooches.. cardigan.. even flip flop and flat shoes..

i'm so tired of this stupid cycle..it's fine when they make all the remarks when i started wearing something unfamiliar here..but enough is enough..after a while,those silly comments have become stale and very irritating..i am very impatient,you know..

wake me up inside.

2010-10-18T23:41:00.006+08:00

today i had to do things that are usually only done by grown ups..(read: always taken care of by my parents for me..) and i found it painfully horrifying..and to think that in less than 1 year time,i'm going to have to deal with everything by myself..urgh. and what if,God forbid, i'm thrown into some jungle where i have to be friends with only tarzan and jane?nooo!!!

yeah. i'm just super-exaggerating these little little things..hehe~ :P

responsibilities..felt like carrying a heavy burden on my shoulder..i hate to let anyone down,so i keep trying to get everything done in time..and i finally did it! yeay me! :P

when people are counting on you, you just can't quit trying until you get it done,and you get it right..what more in our field kan..people's life may depend on the decision we made..and that is terrifying. sometimes i wonder why i choose this path..

Wake me up
Bid my blood to run
I can't wake up
Before I come undone
Save me..
Save me from the nothing I've become..~

so today's lesson: learn to do everything by yourself..do not depend on other people all the time,you're such a big girl already kan..

holiday in kuantan..

2010-10-16T22:43:00.008+08:00

we took a day off and had a picnic with our yogya friends at panching waterfall this morning..we had lots of fun splashing each other with water, had a great BBQ and everyone went home with free 'smoke perfume'..hihi~ oh and we also had 'free' fish therapy..especially me,of course..thanx to my bestfriend, mr.eczema.. :P

me & mimi.. :)

cewek2 yogya.. :P

yuyu,me and put..

then,we went to teluk cempedak just for the sake of showing them what a pretty beach we have here..haha~ just kidding! :P

we must look so stupid to them with our photo-frenzy back then when we were in yogya..every single place we go and every single thing we do, and even every single food we have, HAD to be photographed..for the sake of the memory.. :)

looking at their version of photo-frenzy, rase macam.. alaa budak-budak nye la diorang ni.. haha~ cakap macam orang tua je kan? haih. :P

teluk cempedak@bali.. :P

our last stop today was east coast mall because some of them wanted to do some shopping..no no,that do not include me.. :P we had the new cheesy pizza for dinner..fuh. marvellous! just stuff me with anything cheesy and i'll be a happy little girl.. :P

tertekan sebab kene tunggu lame gile! huu~

despite a few wrong turns that we unintentionally took today,i had a lot of fun with them..and i'm glad i decided to join them though i still have lots of things to do..sometimes,while trying to make other people happy,we become happier than them.. :)

i'm so tired i can barely open my eyes now..but i just have the urge to write down what i feel before i went to sleep.. oh and the main reason is of course,i need to harvest my crops first..lol. :P

p/s: si putih, i'm really sorry i 'kissed' your ass..i know you're not hurt,but i feel really bad.. please forgive me.. and don't worry, you're still cute.. :P

you again?

2010-10-14T12:23:00.010+08:00

can't wait to watch this! :)

no matter how old you are, you never get over high school..that is soo true!

when i looked back on my good old days,this one particular ugly face keeps popping up..and no matter how hard i tried not to keep in touch with this person,somehow he always manage to poke his nose back in my life when i least expected it..it's not like i hate him or anything..it's just that i don't really like him that much..okaaayyy, maybe i hate him just a little bit..fair enough? :P

so this guy,we grew up together since we were like,only teeny tiny pink cuddly adorable little babies..both our parents were working,so we were looked after by our babysitter,whom we call mak,until now..he is 10 months older than me,so yeah,you can guess that he has been bullying me since i was very little..poor me..of course i don't remember any of this,but mak's never-ending tales on our childhood days convinced me that he's nothing but a big bully..

not only did he used to hide my bantal busuk and then hit me with it especially when i was sleeping,he also tried (and failed) to drown me for a few times..what a nasty little boy!

so naturally,i was relieved when we started going to school because at least,i will be free from him for a bit..or so i thought..little did i know that our intelligence leveled and i ended up in the same class with him throughout primary school..i still don't know why but somehow all our class teachers had the idea that we were inseparable and so,we were always seated side-by-side.. i secretly think mak has something to do with this..

if anyone take a look at this boy during those days,no one is going to believe what a big bully he was..at least,to me..because he was nothing more than a geeky prefect,and a big cry baby..he was always picked on by the bigger and nastier boys at school,and being quite a garang girl,i was the one he runs to for protection..but that great heroic feeling never last long,for as soon as we reach mak's house,he would revert back to being a jerk..

we lost contact for quite a while because i went to boarding school after that..we were only reunited when mak's late husband passed away just after we got our spm result..even then,his first remark to me was "jah,did you,by any chance,forget to grow up?" and squealed with laughter..yeah,i was still just a little girl while he has somehow evolved into a much-taller guy,he even lost his geeky look.. we still didn't keep in touch after that..

after a few years,while i was strolling alone at klcc,guess who i stumbled into..yeah. him again. only this time,he was with a gorgeous girl with a big frown always pasted on her face..he tried to be nice to me,but all he could manage was taking my hp number,before he was pulled away by his girlfriend.. we kept in touch since then and i thought "well,finally he has found his sanity switch and maybe we could really be friends now".. but i had no idea that his crazy girlfriend thought that i was trying to steal him away from her..after a few horrible dramas,i decided not to keep in touch with him anymore,for my own sake (and safety)..

i never met him again,until last year,when i went to our primary school's gathering..i was like "oh no,not you again".. i had not even the slightest intention to talk to him,but he came to me and cheerfully told me that he was no longer with that crazy girl..and i finally can breathe with relief..

last year's gathering.. :)

this is a guy whom i've known since forever,and he has always been in my 24 years of life..no matter how he has bullied me,and how much i hated him,i can't deny the fact that he actually played a significant part in my life..without him,my childhood days would be just boring..we had so much fun together while we were growing up..he was the one who taught me to play badminton and also ride a bicycle..i was finally able to ride a bike without falling at the age of 12..haha~ so lame right? :P

he was the one who comforted me back then..when my parents fought a lot, got divorced and things got ugly..i was 7 or 8 at that time,and ijan was so small..i always dreaded going home because things were just not the same anymore,and his parents even let me stayed at their house for a while,until things got settled..oh,i really should go and visit his parents..it's been really long since i last saw them..

to yin,i'm glad you existed in my life,and that you never truly disappeared..i'm grateful to have a friend like you..you've been such a good friend to me,even when we were so young..i know we have grown apart now that we're much older,but that part of my life with you in it,will always be one of my greatest memory..

thank you,for everything.. :)

need fuel.fast.

2010-10-13T19:55:00.009+08:00

if there really exist even one teeny tiny bit of a chinese bone or even a single cell of chinese blood in my body,now would be a great time for it to reveal itself..

why do i even need another slap on my face to wake up from my deep slumber? please la nurul hamizah,do not further downgrade yourself in front of others,or i might just have to do more than just slapping your fat cheek.

now go study!

a warm welcome..

2010-10-12T23:36:00.009+08:00

our friends from UMY (universitas muhammadiyyah yogyakarta) arrived today..they will be joining us for a month, just like our stay there for our elective posting.. we helped them to settle in,for it was a really long journey from yogya to kL and then to kuantan.. i really hope they can adjust quickly and enjoy their stay here..

looking at their excited but super tired faces reminded me of how we were when we first arrived in yogya back then.. we had so much fun there.. i miss all that.. i miss being 'orang kaya' and talk about 'duit juta-juta' everyday..hehe~

but i got homesick way quicker than i expected.. mengade-ngade betol kan? :P

one of my most memorable thing was the deprivation of my daily dose of teh ais..haha~ they don't take drinks with milk over there..poor me,i barely survived on teh gopek (jasmine tea)..and i was one of the few of us who find teh gopek to be edible..the rest just couldn't stand the smell and the taste.. haha~ :P

we took them for dinner at celup..

mereka memang narsis.. :P

with our tight schedule,i don't think we could really entertain them..so the third year would be doing that for us instead..but we plan to take them out during the weekend,that is,if they don't already have plans la.. :P

p/s: kak ani yang buat air kat kafe kak ana tu macam happy gile je budak2 yogya ni datang..hihi~ :P

10/10/10

2010-10-10T23:23:00.005+08:00

nothing much to jot down..just feel like capturing the "10" moment as everyone seems to be doing so.. :P

my weekend was somewhat breezy..though i didn't even go to the i-kod that much except for food-hunt..ah. so passive..as usual.. *sigh*

mama was worried that my mood wasn't picking up in the usual rate,so she chanted the magic words to me.. "go shopping la kakak.." well,the usual me would have jumped at the opportunity,but this time she needed to chant me for a few times before i finally caved in..i guess my anhedonia was that bad..

anyway,i'll be sleeping with my loots tonight..so yeay! :P

and i'm fine..thanks.. :)

hello! the end is near..

2010-10-06T23:12:00.003+08:00

hello! we're still standing here

the future's just begun

on the dark side of the sun..~

i don't know why but i keep on stumbling even when i walk on a flat surface..today i found myself lying in a deep hole,and no matter how hard i tried to climb out,i only managed to fall deeper.. i don't even know how i fell down here in the first place..

i'm beginning to question my own strength and ability..maybe i'm not cut out for this..maybe i'm just not good enough..maybe all these while i just got lucky..

i'm so tired..

:'(

here comes the rain again..

2010-10-04T22:55:00.003+08:00

falling from the stars

drenched in my pain again

becoming who we are

as my memory rests

but never forget what i lost

wake me up when september ends..~

oh shoot. i just realized that we're already in october..

now that it rains almost everyday here in kuantan, it's time for me to get a new umbrella.. and say goodbye to the old broken one..

yes, i know we've been together for a long time and it has always been there for me through thunder and storm.. but the damage is beyond repair.. i can't possibly hold the broken part every time it rains, for i will be drenched for sure.. and that can't be good for the both of us..

so yeah, please wake me up when october ends..

the need to fast.

2010-10-03T23:23:00.009+08:00

i think it's high time i refrain myself from spending too much time on the net..because on the net,consistency rule...NOT!

not only i wasted my precious time on things i shouldn't even think to do..i wasted more time waiting for pages to fully load or for the facebook chat to stop making me look like chipsmore..*sigh* and i couldn't even log into my yahoo messenger..hmm. maybe that's a sign that i refused to see before..

my work suffered terribly because somehow i couldn't make time to finish them all..not to mention,my revision has been put on hold for goodness knows how long..i did try most of the time,but my motivation easily dissipate to things of less importance..argh.silly me.

now that we're entering our fourth week,i think i should start fasting from surfing the net..i know,it IS going to be tough,but i will try anyway..maybe not totally stop,but spend less and less time surfing..i must! no more excuses.

oh and you should start working hard on your logbook too mijah..don't play play ok.

yesterday was a full-stomach day,we went to 2 open houses..

our first stop was dr.jamal's house where the yummiest nasi dagang ever was served! rugi tak makan banyak2..hihi~

and the second house was dr.fahmi and dr.azura's.. it was like the jamuan raya batch because everyone went there at the same time..we stayed there for quite some time too..i had all the dishes served.. meehun sup, roti jala and macaroni.. and all the cakes too.. :P

i was drowned in front of the people watching cartoon.. :P

us with dr.fahmi, dr.azura and nina.. :)

"our venture has and will always be tenuous at best, sustained in equal parts by fear, desperation, optimism, and last minute improvisation.."